Because there's nothing wrong with a little man candy

Agent Vinod (Sriram Raghavan, 2012)

Let's talk about expectations.

I added Agent Vinod to my Induna shopping cart to pad out an order and lower my shipping costs: despite my massive love for Sriram Raghavan’s 2007 effort, the exceedingly well crafted thriller Johnny Gaddar, and despite an abiding fondness for both Kareena Kapoor and Saif Ali Khan, everything I had heard about the film –  up until its release, notable mainly for its production delays – suggested that it would be at best a timepass film, at worst, a vanity project that kind of fell flat. Oh and there were a lot of things to kind of be concerned about.  Saifu. Once beautiful Saifu, and his…increasingly, worryingly, immobile face.  Talk of a “desi James Bond film” = and I am possibly the only person on the planet who actively LOATHES James Bond films. The real life love match of Saifeena translated to screen (as much as I love the real life couple -  and am waaaaay too excited about their impending nuptials, it’s like a law of film that real life chemistry does not tend to translate well to the screen after the fact). With Saif as star/producer, the production delays, the rumour mill working overtime with stories of Saif’s dissatisfaction with Kareena’s “lack of dates” given to the film holding up the schedule…and upon the film’s release, a collective kind of “MEH” response: you can see how my expectations were pretty much non-existent.

But this is all good news for me, because what I found with Agent Vinod was basically good, old fashioned entertainment. It’s true that half an hour after watching the film, I couldn’t really tell you the specifics of the plot – because honestly, the plot, as it exists, doesn’t really matter a great deal. What Agent Vinod is about is basically:

1. Saifu as an international super-secret-agent guy KICKING MEGA ASS AND TAKING NAMES all OVER THE PLACE in a variety of awesome locations and set pieces.

2. Saifu looking SMOKING hot while doing the above.  

Uff, you want actual story? The plot revolves around mysterious RAW agent  “Agent Vinod” - though he goes by many names as a master of identities – (played by Saif Ali Khan) pursuing a terrorist group who have the detonator for a nuclear bomb around various glam locations. Into the mix is thrown a femme fatale figure, Iram Parveen Bilal (Kareena Kapoor) who may or may not be working for the enemy, but they have to work together to stop the bomb being detonated in New Delhi. 

There are various twists and turns and loopholes and puzzles in the plot by numbers but you know what? IT IS SO FUN TO WATCH, and there are a couple of delicious guest appearances that lift the calibre of this spy thriller to the next level. Hell, spoiler alert, because he’s too good not to mention: RAVI KISSEN is one of the best things in this film. Ditto ZAKIR HUSSAIN. These two guys are criminally underused and underappreciated (especially Zakir Hussain. I love this guy and I am THE WORST because I ALWAYS forget how great he is).

Plus, you don’t get a director like Sriram Raghavan without getting at least a few flashes of brilliance in what could have just been a paint by numbers genre flick. Quite aside from the sheer pleasure of just watching Saifu channel, yes, okay, a desi James Bond – he has that whole “impeccably attired, not a hair out of place, cool as a cucumber, witty one liners even as he’s kicking ass” thing going on – there are a number of neat little moments of just…good, solid filmmaking. The bit that sticks in my head is a tidy little sequence  where “Agent Vinod” meets one of his adversaries and flashes back through a series of previous meetings between the two of them as if we were revisiting moments from a series of previous Agent Vinod films. Though the plot itself hasn’t really stuck in my mind there are plenty of neat little moments that stick out, because you know what? Agent Vinod is kind of fun, and cool, and…mostly a great film. UP UNTIL A POINT.

I’m loathe to talk about the ending – partly because, well, come on, spoiler alert, and partly because…well, this is where the film, a solidly entertaining, highly enjoyable action thriller, basically falls to pieces in one questionable move. There’s a definite point where I went from totally invested in the fluffy, glitzy, eyecandy action entertainment world of Agent Vinod to actually wondering if someone involved in the film was on crack. On reflection though, it kind of adds to the crazy glory of it all. Plus Pyaar ki Pungi  makes up for any minor missteps. 

This movie is fluffy fun times. Don’t listen to the haters.

SOME MOVIES THAT I HAVE WATCHED IN THE PAST FEW MONTHS THAT I’LL PROBABLY NEVER WRITE ABOUT IF I DON’T WRITE ABOUT THEM NOW

Soundtrack (Neerav Ghosh, 2011)

This is a film I have actually recommended to countless people in the past few months, and it’s kind of ridiculous that I haven’t written up an in-depth glowing review by now. Basically, Soundtrack is a fictional bio-pic, recounting the meteoric rise and fall of a superstar DJ, Raunak Kaul (Rajeev Khandelwal in one of two memorable roles of last year – the other was his turn as a cop in Shaitaan). I liked Soundtrack enough to include it on my list of the Top 10 Underrated Films of 2011 for Bollyspice.com: it takes a premise borrowed from a British mockumentary, of all things – the idea of a DJ losing his hearing – and reinvents what was originally satirically funny into a genuinely touching story of a man overcoming his demons. It’s inventively told with a few surreal, beautiful, puzzling touches, focussing on the sex-drugs-techno club culture but with a little less darkness than say, Anurag Kashyap might bring to the proceedings. Plus I really love the soundtrack.

Ek Main Aur Ekk Tu (Shakun Batra, 2012)

HONESTLY I DON’T KNOW WHY THERE ARE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHO PERSIST IN PERPETUATING THE MYTH THAT THIS FILM IS MEH OR SUBSTANDARD OR LACKLUSTRE IN ANY WAY.

• You KNOW I love Imran Khan in everything except Delhi Belly because FAR OUT I STILL AM NOT OVER HOW MUCH I HATE THAT FILM. But honestly: Imran as an “anti-hero” – an uptight, wound-up, bundle of neuroses just begging to fall in love and be all softened around the crisp, perfectly ironed edges? HELLO THAT IS MY IDEA OF PERFECTION AND I LOVE HIM SO SHUT UP HATERS.
•    I admit that when I read the phrase “Manic Pixie Dream Girl” on the back of the dvd case a chill of horror and repulsion ran down my spine because that is a) basically not a thing for me in Bollywood unless your name is Genelia D’Souza and also KILL ME NOW and b) ZOOEY DESCHANEL IS MY ARCHNEMESIS AND ANY THING THAT REMINDS ME OF HER = shudder. Good news: what a load of bollocks that MPDG description is. Kareena Kapoor is a little bit Geet, sure, but I didn’t want to stab her in the face. AND THAT IS THE TEST.

•  It’s a romantic comedy. It’s sweet, and I liked the way the two protagonists interacted with each other, and I CRIED because it felt like where they come from and where they go is BASED ON EMOTIONAL TRUTH YOU GUYS. That’s what I liked about this movie – and what I think the haters hate and refer to as boring or meh – there’s an absence of over the top Bollywood sparkle and romance ultimately and a conclusion that is…realistic. Sometimes, it’s nice to watch a film and be able to feel like your life isn’t a million miles removed from the sparkly shiny lives onscreen.

Tere Bin Laden (Abhishek Sharma, 2010)

Unlike apparently 90% of the bolly-blogosphere, I don’t really have a “thing” for Ali Zafar. I don’t think I even hardly MENTIONED him in my review of MBKD (though his one line “Teen din mein GOT OVER YOU?!” is possibly one of my favourite parts of the entire film) and when I tried to watch London, Paris, New York recently, I had to switch it off after about 10 minutes because it was…so…annoying (also: I’ve seen Hum Tum. I don’t need to see it again). But I had meant to watch Tere Bin Laden like, forever, because I don’t think I have heard a negative thing about it (well, apart from the whole “Banned in Pakistan” business).

You know what? Awesomesaucecity is about the best way to sum this one up – in the first few minutes it’s apparent that it’s not only hilarious but smart with it, and refreshingly free of the preachy heaviness that you’d probably expect to accompany a film name-checking the world’s most infamous terrorist. The story in a nutshell: Ali Zafar plays a journalist desperate to get out of Pakistan and into the United States – unfortunately, as a Muslim post 9-11, his visa is repeatedly denied. So he looks for an alternate route…and when he serendipitously stumbles upon Noora, a chicken farmer who looks NEAR IDENTICAL to Osama Bin Laden, he comes up with a plan to make himself internationally famous: finding a new “tape” from Bin Laden and releasing it to the media.

I liked it a lot. If you’ve seen Four Lions you will understand how seemingly serious subjects can be treated with intelligence and humour at the same time – and this is that kind of film. Plus Ali Zafar didn’t annoy me once. I even kind of liked him.

Let me tell you a story...

Kahaani (Sujoy Ghosh, 2012)

There’s not a lot I can say about Kahaani without entirely ruining much of its deliciousness: this is a twist-laden, deceptive little thriller of a film, and a mostly satisfying one at that. If you’ve heard anything about it at all, it’s probably along the lines of “the less you know going in, the better”.  Take this as a mild SPOILER ALERT then –if, like me, you’d prefer not to know even a shred of information, even if it is seemingly innocuous, then quit reading now.

What I can say without giving away too much of the plot is that the film is centred around Vidya Bagchi (Vidya Balan), a heavily pregnant woman who travels from London to Kolkata in search of her missing husband.

When she arrives in India, Kolkata is in the midst of Durga Puja celebrations – oppressive, colourful, overwhelmingly festive, and shot absolutely beautifully in all its rioutous chaotic splendour – and Vidya finds her investigations into her husband’s whereabouts blocked at every turn, rapidly ushering the film into a noir-ish mystery zone.

I can’t say much more about the story for fear of giving away any of the genuinely thrilling twists. I’m one of those people who isn’t necessarily trying to figure out everything 3 steps ahead – I’m happy to get caught up in the action and be surprised as the rug is swept out from under my feet – and for me, the pace and narrative structure of the film was near perfect: peppered with just enough subtle hints and clues that afterwards you can look back and wonder how you missed the obvious all along.

In terms of the performances: Vidya Balan has received a bucketload of acclaim and attention for The Dirty Picture already (I film I really didn’t love but acknowledge she was great in); Kahaani just consolidates further her position as the strongest working actress in Bollywood at the moment – and I really can’t wait to see what else she does. Parambrata Chatterjee was the other standout for me as Rana, the absolutely adorable local cop helping/protecting Vidya as she conducts her investigations into the whereabouts of her missing husband. 

The other thing to note: Kahaani doesn't have any conventional Bollywood song picturisations or "item numbers" (honestly, I don't know where they would go) and the music in the film is mainly relegated to the background, so you'd be forgiven if you were unaware that the film ACTUALLY DOES HAVE A KICKASS SOUNDTRACK by Vishal-Shekhar. I urge you to check it out as well as the film. 

EVERYONE loves a sacrifice.

Qurbani (Feroz Khan, 1980)

For a long time – up until like, a few days ago, I had managed to avoid seeing any Feroz Khan films. I don't know precisely what the obstacle was for so long (I certainly own enough of them) but whatever weird prejudice I mistakenly held against one of the original Macho Men of Hindi cinema vanished within a few minutes of the film commencing. 

 

 This film has been sitting unwatched on my shelf since 2010!

Because seriously? This film is A-freaking-MAZING.

Reviews from the time of its release rave about it: in terms of the outstanding performances from Vinod Khanna, Feroz Khan, and particularly Amjad Khan; the beautiful, memorable music, the punchy, well-paced plot and the hilarious, well placed, outrageous action sequences. It was recognised as an instant classic even then – and nowadays, my astonished, blissed-out cries of “How come no-one ever told me to watch this film? It's THE BEST!” have been met, from pretty much every corner, with joyful choruses of “QURBANI! I KNOOOOOW, RIGHT?!”

The thing is: I know there are a lot of people who already have a pretty strong prejudice against “old” Bollywood – where “old” (inexplicably to me) = circa 1995. And let's not get started on the wide-ranging bias that exists against 1980s Bollywood in general. Sure, stereotypes exist for a reason (and let's not get into decade bashing here) BUT I WILL CHAMPION 1980s BOLLYWOOD FOREVER for a reason, too, and that reason is the rare, shining, wonderful gems of the decade that gleam with sparkly, disco-glittery awesometude. Like Qurbani.

Qurbani is, simply put, everything that is wonderful about a certain period in Bollywood film (late 70s, early 80s) distilled into one glorious, excessive, hyper-masculine, superstar-filled, action-packed, super-bromantic, deliberately hilarious entertainment spectacular. Trying to describe exactly why it works is essentially futile: basically – this film doesn't take itself too seriously, nor does it veer too far into parody. It strikes EXACTLY the right notes of slightly over the top kitsch and self-important melodrama; throws in ample equal opportunity eye-candy for the entire audience (seriously, I basically screencapped the entire film) and is three hours of testosterone fuelled, masala laden fun. Make that Fun with a capital “F”.

The cheerfully excessive story of Qurbani (“Sacrifice”) centres on Rajesh (Feroz Khan), a professional burglar (and sometime motorcycle stuntman?) who is romantically entangled with the somewhat more moral nightclub dancer Sheila (Zeenat Aman).

Sheila disapproves of Rajesh's life of crime and his worship of money, and her feelings are totally validated when Rajesh gets caught in the act (following a particularly daredevil car chase) by a tenacious police officer: Inspector Amjad Khan (played by...Amjad Khan!) and is subsequently thrown in jail for three and a half years for burglary.

While Rajesh is serving his time, Sheila meets a dashing single dad – Amar (Vinod Khanna) who falls for her, big time. 

 Is this not THE CUTEST THING you have ever SEEN?

Though Sheila is happy to play surrogate mum to Amar's cute daughter Tina, she doesn't return Amar's mushy puppy-dog eyes and his squishy love heart FEEEEEELINGS for her, which he's pretty stoic about. Maybe Sheila is a LITTLE bit tempted though...but she's already been established as a woman of morals (despite dancing nightly in *gasp* a DISCO CLUB) and her heart belongs only to the absent, criminal Rajesh.

It's just another CLASSIC example of Vinod Khanna getting HEARTBREAKINGLY SHAFTED in popular film and taking it like a man.

Actually though, it's an example of one of the things Qurbani does fantastically well – and that's EPIC MISDIRECTION. Just when you think it's all going to be a classic love triangle with the two brutally handsome, epically macho leading men fighting it out over the sensual Zeenat Aman's affections, Rajesh is released from jail and in a string of filmi coincidences, he runs into Amar and saves him from a violent beating from their – it turns out – shared enemy: the cartoonily shady Vikram (none other than Shakti Kapoor), working in cahoots with his craycray sister who goes by the name of Princess Jwala (Aruna Irani in wicked awesome contact lenses and hamming it up BIG TIME). Vikram and Princess Jwala are part of a crime syndicate working under an amoral, crazy haired boss named Raka (Amrish Puri) – Amar in fact used to work for Raka but left in disgust when he realised that ONLY money meant anything to the crime lord, not human life or loyalty. So that's why Amar is in the shit. Rajesh is on the run from Vikram and Princess J because on his release from prison he accepted a contract to steal for them, and took a cash advance – which Sheila, in her crazy moralising, BURNED TO ASHES and made him vow to go straight. Lacking the money to pay back the advance, unable to burglarise without pissing off his woman, Rajesh is in a slight bind.

Instead of fighting over a woman, Rajesh and Amar discover they have quite a lot in common...and one of the GREATEST BROMANCES IN FILMI HISTORY IS BORN.

 

Basically, from this point on Sheila is relegated to occasional eye candy/a minor supporting character as it becomes ALL ABOUT Rajesh and Amar taking on Vikram and Princess Jwala in the most manly, bromantic, excessive way imaginable.

But I'll tell you why I REALLY REALLY loved this film. It wasn't the fact that it basically starts out with Aruna Irani and Amrish Puri having a contest to see who can out Crazy Eye the other. 

 

It wasn't the abundance of lingering beefcake shots of dreamboat Vinod Khanna, both clothed,

and unclothed.

It's not the abundance of car chases and explosions and helicopters and leaping motorcycles and people climbing places that they shouldn't be.

It's not the sometimes...awesomely double entendre laden subtitles that make my immature mind snort with joy:

or the truly glorious set decoration: 

I'll tell you what made this film so wonderfully enjoyable for me, and took it from “fun” to “all time favourite”.

AMJAD FREAKING KHAN. (Excuse me for a moment, I am going to go a little fangirly). 

 

THIS PICTURE DESERVES A FRAME OF LOVE HEARTS ALL AROUND IT

You might already be aware that I adore the man. I love him. I don't really know how or why or when exactly it started, but if you only know him as Gabbar Singh from Sholay, then Qurbani is definitely a film you need to see, because Amjad Khan (playing a character intriguingly named “Amjad Khan”) is pure unadulterated genius. The guy in his career tended to get typecast as the villain – being a pretty big guy, and having played the greatest film villain in recent Hindi film history, it was always going to happen – but it's kind of sad that following Sholay his filmography is abundant with a bunch of generic B-grade villain roles. Why Qurbani is so great is that he gets to escape that box but also to play with that image a little bit, to mess with the audience's heads. Inspector Amjad Khan of Qurbani is a tenacious, dogged pursuer of justice and is alternately terrifying and intimidating, like the villains Amjad Khan frequently plays,

but also funny and good and goofy and moral.

AND BADASS. Amjad kicks SO MUCH ASS and is SUCH A COOL GUY IN THIS MOVIE - he totally holds his own against the foxy duo of Hot Papa Khanna and eternally leather-clad Feroz Khan. 

It's a little unsettling if you're unaware of it, but also he's HILARIOUS (anyone who has seen Love Story, for example, will know Amjad Khan as a talented comic actor as well). It's one of the best, more complex and well-rounded roles I've seen him in thus far and it is so enjoyable and satisfying to watch. Plus he gets SONGS! Amjad NEVER gets songs! THAT'S HOW COOL QURBANI IS! (and look how much fun he looks like he is having!)