This is my heart breaking

Naughty@40 (Jagmohan Mundhra, 2011)

I can’t even find the words to tell you how awful this film is. There is nothing – NOTHING – I could possibly say that could adequately convey to you the look – somewhere between horror, depression and just plain awe at JUST HOW MANY THINGS COULD POSSIBLY BE SO SO HORRIBLE ALL AT ONCE AND HOW ANYONE COULD EVER EVEN REMOTELY THINK ANY OF IT WAS A GOOD IDEA – that was frozen on my face for most of the running time. When I wasn’t ACTUALLY wincing or (at least twice) covering my eyes.

For once, I swear on my life, I am not exaggerating. 

(oh, also, no screencaps because my laptop SPONTANEOUSLY BLEW UP within seconds of the N@40 dvd coming within cm of it. Again, actually not exaggerating). 

Naughty@40 is the (incredibly ill-advised) tale of Happy (Govinda) (*facepalm*), a shy, introverted, quite sweet middle-aged man who prefers to keep to himself. Obviously, because his dad (played by Anupam Kher) is a pervert (not exaggerating) and his mother (Smita Jayakar….so far we’re three for three with people that are TOO GOOD FOR THIS FILM) is a religious nut, Happy’s family and friends – including a sleazier than I ever thought possible Shakti Kapoor (shudder – the only person so far who is PERFECTLY cast) harangue him for his introverted ways, assuming he is:

1.    GAY
2.    A MASTURBATION ADDICT
3.    (best case scenario and odd one out) HIDING A SECRET GIRLFRIEND

     -  ultimately forcing Happy to reveal that NO, he is a VIRGIN.

Oh wait.

I forgot the REALLY IMPORTANT PART.

Happy also sleepwalks.

Happy sleepwalks…BECAUSE HE IS A 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN AND THE SCENT OF WOMEN LURES HIM OUT OF BED. On this pivotal plot point rests a major part of the film.

I feel like I am making it sound cracktastic though. And please let me reiterate: 

this film is THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

The other major part of the film involves Happy finding a wife so he can finally lose his virginity. So he marries a girl (Yuvika Chaudhary) with the mentality of a 12 year old, and then has to endure the frustration of her not wanting to consummate the marriage.

So Happy looks elsewhere, embarking on an affair with a skanky western woman named Sharon.

SERIOUSLY.

OTHER THINGS I THOUGHT OF WHILE ENDURING THIS FILM:

• I have been reduced to waiting to see Govinda have sex and that is not normal.

•  In what universe is a funny, acceptable or normal response to “I finally lost my virginity” “Oh, you finally raped her then?!” (SAID BY A LAUGHING POLICEMAN!) Both me and my flatmate were appalled and just…agape at this point of the film.

• When Yuvika’s character runs to the edge of the cliff and threatens to commit suicide, I actually yelled “jump” at the television. When Govinda ran up to save her, we both yelled “PUSH HIM”.

I laughed maybe twice in the whole thing, at Govinda’s delivery of a couple of incredibly random lines and at one bit where Govinda was going nuts and dancing (with no music) like a lunatic. I LOVE Govinda, and he is an insanely talented performer, and that he could still manage to make me laugh, even twice, in an ABOMINATION like this, is something, I suppose. BUT HE SHOULDN’T BE IN IT AT ALL.

To be honest, much of the time when I was trying to tune the tacky vulgarity out, I was thinking about Ssukh, not one of Govinda’s hit films, but one that is in my Chichi Desert Island discs. It was his big comeback project after his brief hiatus from the film industry, his only foray into production, and it flopped. His career has never been the same since, and it’s sad to see him as one of the ones who can’t bounce back easily from the setbacks, versus the resilient few who no matter how often and how spectacularly they fail, keep coming back for more.

And this. This is gonna be hard to bounce back from.