Dancer (Kishore Vyas, 1991)

How could I resist a movie with the tagline “Emotional, Musical, Love Story of a Dancer”, starring a fresh-faced and extremely hairy chested Akshay Kumar in what was only his second major film role?

Truthfully, how can I resist that mullet?

Before we get to any of the nitty gritty it has to be said: this movie is 20 years old. And Akki today in 2011 looks like he has barely aged a day since the fresh-faced, eager youth of 1991. Seriously! Whatever secret elixir of youth that man possesses, it’s certainly working well for him.

You gotta admit, 20 years on, he's still looking pretty damn fine.

Especially when you compare and contrast some of his contemporaries, who are maybe not so genetically blessed. Or else have maybe made some bad, bad, unnecessary decisions regarding a little extra assistance in turning back the clock.

Anyway, that digression aside: Dancer!

Dancer is…well, it’s pretty much what it says on the tin. It’s an emotional, musical love story about a boy named Raja, who has to transcend a typically dramatic and tragic set of circumstances in his childhood to make a success of his life. Though born to “superstar” parents, Raja soon finds himself alone when (in an EXTREMELY melodramatic prologue) his father is murdered and his mother is wrongly imprisoned for the deed. With his mother basically disowning him because she thinks the stigma of having a murderer for a mother will ruin his life (like being disowned when your dad has just been murdered won’t?), what else can Raja do but GO HOME WITH A STRANGE MAN WHO LIKES THE WAY HE DANCES BECAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY NOT CREEPY?

Fortunately for Raja (but sadly for us, and particularly for people like Rum who ADORE plucky filmi kids) adorable awkward dancing child Raja

 ...and THAT, my friends, is a DIS.

turns into AKSHAY KUMAR AND BECOMES A MEGA-DANCE SUPERSTAR OVERNIGHT! Raja’s dancing is just THAT good!

Not QUITE jazz hands, but close enough.

I won’t lie to you. Even by my questionable standards, this film is…incredibly bad; but sort of bad in the way like…if you hit your elbow and it hurts but you laugh? Painful and enjoyable all at once? In any case, I couldn’t make myself STOP watching it. The best way to describe it is like a two and a half hour long soap opera with the melodrama and the overacting turned ALL THE WAY UP; the narrative itself is a curious and  compelling patchwork of bits of Yaadon Ki Baarat, Disco Dancer, and liberal doses of Pyaar Karke Dekho (so much so I wondered at times if it was a tribute gone wrong, or just blatantly taking the piss – which actually would be kind of awesome).

While the film in its entirety is nowhere near crazy enough to be cracktastic, there are some glimmering highlights worth mentioning:

1. Akshay Kumar.

This really goes without saying. Even as early as his second film, Akki exudes charisma and star quality – it sounds cheesy, but seriously, I watched this movie for him, and I KEPT watching this movie BECAUSE of him. He frequently rises above mediocre material and you can see how he commits TOTALLY to his performance (even when the film threatens to crumble into a big pile of cheesy bollocks around him). I’m with Filmi Girl on Akki – he’s one of the hardest working people in the industry.

Plus, I can’t even BEGIN to describe the array of shockingly bad outfits he wears in this film. From a silver jumpsuit to bejeweled cowboy boots and a matching belt, the man dares to go where no man (other than Govinda) has gone, sartorially speaking.

Like, for example, turning up to a dance competition, demanding to be taken seriously while apparently dressed as one of the Village People.

2. 90% of Raja’s “amazing dancing” choreography that fills theatres houseful AROUND THE WORLD involves frequent, near pornographic pelvic thrusting.

 Acceptable thrusting.

Get a room thrusting.

3. Except for when Raja uses a FREAKING NEON GLOW IN THE DARK GUITAR! (and dancers dressed in matching glow in the dark outfits!)

4. This questionable translation made me snort, because I am extremely immature.

It's wrong. On so many levels.

5. The music really is the best (e.g. most entertaining) part of the film – if you’re pushed for time, just watch the numerous dance sequences. THEY ALL CONTAIN ENOUGH FLASHING LIGHTS, MIRRORS, SEQUINS, GAUZE, AND ASSORTED GLITTER AND SPARKLY STUFF TO PROVOKE AN EPILEPTIC FIT IN PEOPLE SENSITIVE TO THAT SORT OF THING.

Here’s the steamy, catchy, ridiculous-awesome rain song, Rim Zim Sawan Barse:

And here is the big climactic moment, Yeke Yema Yeke Yama, which...defies description. But you HAVE to watch it, because it is probably my favourite part of the whole film. It is ACTUALLY AWESOME.

6. How do you torture the world’s most awesome dancer?

"Not my Levis!"

ELECTROCUTE HIS LEGS, OF COURSE! Of course (SPOILER ALERT!) it's a minor hurdle, and doesn't prevent the film from veering wildly off course into having a MARTIAL ARTS EXTRAVAGANZA OUT OF NOWHERE FOR NO APPARENT REASON complete with Akki wielding nunchuks - my guess is JUST BECAUSE HE CAN! Actually - the action scenes are genuinely awesome, because it's obvious that Akki is doing his own stunts. And doing them REALLY FREAKING WELL.

7. Just…this.

Giant WTF, followed by me collapsing with laughter at THIS:

THAT'S SERIOUSLY HOW THE MOVIE ENDS! I really don't know if WTF even COVERS it!