Gangaa Jamunaa Saraswathi (Manmohan Desai, 1988)

I honestly don’t even know where to begin.

So let’s start with a bit of context. Right at the start of my burgeoning Bollywood obsession, a friend, far more familiar with the ins and outs of Hindi films, sent me the link to a video he thought I might enjoy. Just the title of it was enough to intrigue me: Disco Bhangra. If you haven’t seen or heard of this INFAMOUS clip – then…feast your eyes:

Yup. That’s Big B, giving it the Michael Jackson treatment. And so naturally, after seeing Amitabh rock the one silver glove, I had to seek out Gangaa Jamunaa Saraswathi.

And it is with MUCH GLEE that I can report that Disco Bhangra is the LEAST crackified moment of the film. Seriously. That part – SO BORING AND NORMAL compared to the insane, cracked out, ridiculously awfulsome rest of this masala…wonder.

THIS FILM IS BOTH THE GREATEST AND WORST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.

POSSIBLE REASON THE FILM IS SUCH A HOT MESS:

Allegedly, the original plan was for Gangaa Jamunaa Saraswathi to be something of a sequel to Manmohan Desai’s classic 70s film Amar, Akbar, Antony. If you believe everything you read on the internet, then the plan was that the film would bring together Amitabh Bachchan as Gangaa, Jeetendra as Jamunaa, and Rishi Kapoor as Saraswathi. Some kind of huge disagreement/communication breakdown between original scriptwriter Kader Khan (who, I have to grudgingly admit, has a talent for writing entertaining masala fare) and director Desai meant that Prayag Raaj (another masala king) was brought in to rewrite – and so the script was pretty much entirely re-invented to make Amit-ji, as Gangaa, the central hero; and Jamunaa (Meenakshi Sheshadri)  and Saraswathi (Jayapradha) now the heroines, with Mithun Chakraborty coming on board as Shankar Qaawaal, to create a kind of…love triangle…quadrangle…thing.

Plus – just to compound matters: apparently Mithun was peeved at how the size of his role turned out and refused to co-operate with dubbing the film, so someone else dubbed his voice in post-production.  HOT MESS, I TELL YOU.

So – the story is masala-tastic: a glorious revenge-romance combining the lust for vengeance against the pure evil of the original Ol’ Crazy Eyes himself, Amrish Puri, and a cosmic fated love…quadrangle between an aging hero (Amit-ji), two spunky heroines, and a DASHING and DEFINITELY underused Mithun Chakraborty.

 D se hota hai DREAMY

Basically – Evil Amrish Puri tricks young Gangaa’s mother (Nirupa Roy, OF COURSE) into signing over her property to him, and then embarks on a nefarious and somewhat vague scheme, along with his rapey relatives, to gain ALL THE PROPERTY in the area. The real crime, though, is that he breaks young Gangaa’s tooth when he VIOLENTLY HURLS HIM TO THE GROUND – what kind of crazy eyed monster beats up a CHILD?!

– and Gangaa vows vengeance for the wrong that has been done to him and his maa. He calls Evil Amrish Puri “Uncle Kans” which is a diss I don’t understand…but it is MOST DEFINITELY a diss. Take THAT Uncle Kans. EDIT: Please see the comments section for Amaluu's helpful explanation of the "Uncle Kans" diss. See, there are people out there who are VASTLY more wise than me who actually get all the references in Hindi films.

Fifteen years later – meaning we are supposed to buy that Gangaa is what – mid-20s?

Amit-ji was 46 when this movie was made. So maybe we should give Aamir Khan a break, re: 3Idiots.

and Gangaa is raising hell against Uncle Kans. Luckily he works for a trucking company, which means he can, you know, drive his truck into people’s houses to prevent rapes from happening – which is how he meets Saraswathi.

More cracked out than normal plot point #1: Saraswathi is a courtesan (read: essentially a high class prostitute) who refuses to do anything but sing and dance. BECAUSE SHE IS A VIRGIN DARING TO DREAM OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE.

Is Saraswathi's dream of marital bliss JUST THAT? A DREAM?

 

Actually, I take it back – it’s not cracked out, it’s dreamy and romantic. Bollywood, I love you. SINCERELY. I LOVE YOU (and I cried in this admittedly terrible movie, I’m not even being cynical or snarky).

Check out the breathtaking bluescreen special effects used to trick us into believing that Gangaa and Saraswathi are dancing on the back of a moving truck:

But dancing on the back of a “moving” truck with a virgin prozzie don’t mean a thing, because Gangaa is destined to meet Jamunaa (and if you know anything about Indian rivers, how the love story at the heart of this film ultimately plays out isn’t really much of a surprise. Go on, Google it). Let's just say COMPLICATIONS ARISE due to... dubiously induced amnesia, and mistakenly believing people are dead, and people being on the run from Evil Amrish Puri for the shakiest of reasons. Oh, and illegitimate children meaning gypsy mothers get forced out of their clan. There's quite a lot of violence, and blood and gore, and icky weird sexy stuff. AND AMRISH PURI GETS HIS PLAYBOY HUGH HEF STYLES ON WAY TOO MUCH.

Jamunaa before it all turns to shit...

Because it’s a CRACKED OUT MASALA MASTERPIECE, obviously there are the little details that make it…wonderfully insane:

The CLEARLY MECHANICAL ‘rat’ that inhabits Gangaa and Jamunaa’s honeymoon hotel room.

1988 was clearly a great year for special effects.

Crazy Eyed Amrish Puri’s penchant for semi-naked wrestling (and whipping)

Giving Sallu a run for his money.

A whole mini-subplot involving the God of the Snakes, and, at one point, AMITABH WRESTLING A PLASTIC SNAKE AND THEN FEEDING IT MILK

The most hilarious, creepy and disturbing metaphorical use of a COBWEB during a sex scene like, EVER.

Hint: it TEARS.

Three simple words that filled me with joy: PIT OF CROCODILES.

And just when I thought the film couldn’t possible get any more glorious…this happened (and I laughed for about 7 minutes):

NOTHING can ever beat the GIANT RUBBER CROCODILE that magically comes to life.

Nothing I can write can do this crazy film justice. JUST WATCH IT ALREADY.

er...SQUEE!

I promise there's going to be a real update soon, but in the meantime, LOOK WHAT ARRIVED IN THE POST FOR ME TODAY!

Where it says "first" pop album I think we  can read "only". BUT OMG THIS IS TOO AWESOME. It took some searching to get my hands on this little slice of Chi Chi gold, but GOVINDA IS MY CRUSH No. 1. Like I'm going to get discouraged at the first hurdle!

The only reason I even know about the existence of this wee gem is because of the ultimate Govinda Fan No. 1, Katherine, over at TotallyFilmi, who also alerted me to the breathtaking existence of...yes....the music videos.

Feast on the glory, my friends:

PATRIOTISM!

Okay, so it's not the most GRIPPING video in the world, but as a Kiwi, I'm kind of obligated to post it. COME ON. And though I haven't seen IHLS yet - I have to wait until the DVD comes out, you KNOW I'll be seeing it JUST because they shot a chunk right here.

Jaan Se Pyara (Anand, 1992)

No Subtitles Sunday 3

Firstly, a note on No Subtitles Sunday. I haven’t done one for a while – initially, the first couple happened because through cruel twists of fate, dvds I had ordered with the full expectation of working subtitles arrived and… "multi-language subtitles" turned out to be a total lie. Or in the case of Raqeeb, maybe I just accidentally and retardedly ordered a subtitle-free copy. WHATEVER.

Anyway. Accidental subtitles issues are a thing of the past, and No Subtitles Sundays are probably going to become slightly more frequent, now that I have started purposely ordering films that proudly come with no language aid for non-Hindi speakers like me. SIGH. I don’t think I have actually MENTIONED it explicitly here before, but canny readers may have picked up on the fact that I’m…kind of a Govinda fan.

‘Kind of’ being a MASSIVE understatement.

And so, pretty near the start of the year, I sort of unofficially started the quest to own…everything. The full Govinda catalogue. This kind of became slightly more of an obsession, as you can probably imagine, around Chi Chi Week, and has not been discouraged at all by coming into contact with likeminded individuals. (I do realize it’s kind of ironic that my blog is named after Shahrukh Khan and I barely ever mention the man but, yes well, let’s not get into that now).

Anyway, the longwinded point I am getting to is: there are a bunch of Chi Chi films that are difficult to find copies of AT ALL. So rabid fans learn to adapt, and take what they can get. Which are dvds with no subtitles, or in many cases, VCDs.

You really didn’t need to know any of that, did you?

Jaan Se Pyara (Anand, 1992)

So this is my third full attempt at viewing and comprehending a Hindi film without subtitles and without prior knowledge or research of the plot.  What I am discovering, I think, is that action/thrillers like this and Raqeeb (still the best one I have seen sans subs) are MUCH easier to follow than something like Bhagam Bhag which, as predominantly a comedy, relies too much on comprehension of the dialogue.

ANYWAY: I ADORED THIS FILM! 

Govinda plays Jai, a policeman who is easygoing and charming, EXCEPT when it comes to two things: crime (obviously) and his retarded brother, Sunder, who is referred to throughout as ‘jaan se pyara’. My Hindi is not great but I think that means…Love’s darling? Or something like that? EDIT: Ha! Told you my Hindi was terrible! Jaan se pyara means "dearer than life" apparently - which makes a whole lot more sense in terms of the plot of this film. Thanks Filmi Geek for pointing it out!

Govinda in uniform = Bonus No. 1

Awesomely, Govinda also plays Sunder. In a fat suit and a Spock wig. If that sounds cracked out, AMAZINGLY, it isn’t. Sunder is one of the sweetest, least cloying characterizations of a mentally challenged person I have seen. He’s adorable. You like him instantly, because he is childlike, just like Jai says in response to everyone who calls Sunder ‘pagal’ (crazy). The film also doesn’t shy away from the reality of just how frustrating living with an eternal child can be – Sunder’s playfulness and naivety grate on his family’s nerves, get him into trouble, and he can be a pain in the ass. It’s not all “awww look at the adorable retard”. Although, even when he’s clearly being annoying, he is still hilarious and SO ADORABLE. Oh, and heartbreaking, actually.

I can't help but wonder if Krrish kind of took the piss, a bit, with the whole Bournvita thing?

Please note:  DOUBLE ROLES ARE MY FAVOURITE THING EVER in Bollywood films, no hyperbole, and honestly, HONESTLY. I know I’m probably like, far from the voice of objectivity on the subject, but you guys: Chi Chi’s such a good actor. By the end of the film, it’s like I was fully sucked in to almost thinking two different people were playing Sunder and Jai, he was that good at characterizing the two different roles.

Anyway, when Jai is not at home looking after Sunder, his jaan se pyara, he is on some kind of crusade against a  big business tycoon called Jagtap Singh.

He says "Business tycoon", I say "PIMP". 

Jagtap Singh is clearly evil because he is dressed like a pimp, with an orange streak in his hair and a big blinging necklace of his own first initial – but I’m not sure what the big war between him and Jai is all about. It didn’t really matter though, it was enough for me that he was clearly The Baddie because:

-         he might be selling sensitive information to foreign powers? Chi Chi had lots of impassioned speeches where he made this face:

I like when Govinda gets mad. 

and talked about “information”, “dushman” (enemy) and “desh” (country). I could be TOTALLY wrong about this, but whatever Jagtap was doing, it was bad enough that when a journo wrote about it, it got him KILLED for his trouble.

-         he certainly talks about large quantities of money AN AWFUL LOT

-         pretty much all of his Hindi sentences end with English phrases like “SON OF A BITCH!” or “YOU BLOODY BASTARD!” but in a hilarious way that kind of obviously makes no sense, even though I couldn’t understand most of what he says anyway

-         he definitely has corrupt cops working for him, PLUS he murders people and plants bombs in hospitals and schools for blind people as cheap blackmail tactics. SHAME ON YOU JAGTAP. SO CHEAP and MURDEROUS.

Luckily Jai can sniff a bomb out with his MAD SKILLZ and disarm it like WHOA.

Just like he disarms the LAYDEEZ.

SWOON ATTACK. Arre, mera dil!

So anyway, the main thrust of the plot is that Jai is waging this war against Jagtap that spirals out of control, to the point that Jai resigns from his beloved police force because he fears for the safety of his family. But YOU KNOW THAT JAGTAP IS A BADMAASH and through a series of convoluted events (that maybe I missed the subtleties of a little because, you know, language barrier) HE COMES AFTER JAI ANYWAY.

But they find out he has a retarded brother, and you just KNOW that Sunder will be the ace the baddies use to get what they want from Jai. Cue dramatic SHOCKING CLIMAX. Dun dun duuuuuuun!

Highlights and Random Observations:

Inexplicably, the stylist on this film chose to give Govinda an ELVIS WIG to wear as Inspector Jai, despite the film being set in the early 90s. I actually have nothing to say about this AT ALL, except, OH MY GOD. When I was little, Elvis Presley was my first ever crush. To combine Elvis and Chi Chi is like…IT’S LIKE DREAMTABULOUS.

Favourite swoony retro styling.

Hands up who wants to frolic through sprinklers with Chi Chi?

Or feed the ducks?!

The part that made me laugh the hardest – and the best cracktastic excuse for a song ever – was when the bad guys were frantically trying to call Jai (I think because he had their briefcase or something). His mum answered the phone and is obviously like “No, Jai can’t come to the phone right now”. Bad guy henchman is all like “What?! What is he doing?!” CUT TO:

Duh. OBVIOUSLY he can’t talk to you because he is DANCING ON THE ROOF.

Is it just me or does Jagtap’s broad look totally like Piggy Chops?

GOVINDA IN DISGUISE! I didn’t dare to dream that it would happen in this film (it seemed too serious) BUT LOOK! FAKE EYEBROWS AND ALL! 

 I really cannot even begin to explain how much I love when Govinda disguises himself in films. I really don't know why or what it's about but OH THE JOY.

You have no idea how this fills my heart with joy. 


AND AN ORANGE MESH VEST! AND CRAZY EYES!

 So. Much. Of Happiness.

Oh my god. I am BREATHLESS WITH EXCITEMENT.

Laaga Chunari Mein Daag: Journey of A Woman (Pradeep Sarkar, 2007)

Objectively, I’d say that this film is fairly mediocre. It probably has more in common with, I don’t know, a made for TV movie or a lurid miniseries or something, in terms of the glossy, melodramatic, extremely uneven treatment of its (quite unusual for a mainstream Hindi film as far as I can tell) subject matter. I mean – even as I was watching, I was thinking up vaguely unfavourable comparisons with Diary of a Callgirl, or phrases like “Pretty Woman, but with more melodrama and more dancing”.

And yet…there was something about Laaga Chunari Mein Daag (My Veil is Stained) that kept me riveted.

What it is, essentially, is a family melodrama. Vibha (Rani Mukherjee) and Chutki (Konkona Sen Sharma) are sisters living with their parents (played by Anupam Kher and Jaya Bachchan) in a crumbling mansion on the banks of the Ganges in Benares. The family’s financial situation is dire – Vibha never finished school, having to drop out to help her mother earn what little income they can with sewing and mending garments while they support Chutki through college; the father has some kind of addiction to lottery tickets and basically doesn’t get involved in the stressful day to day running of the house.

He's also like, the least supportive dad IN THE WORLD.

 

The house which may even be snatched from them by greedy evil Uncle Rajju who has some kind of claim and is waging a lengthy and costly legal battle for rights to the property.

So the stresses pile up, until Vibha decides to move to Bombay to get a job to support the family better. Only – she lies and tells her parents she is already set up with a job and accommodation before she leaves – and when she gets to big bad Bombay, finds out it’s not that easy for a village girl with no qualifications to get a decent job in the city.

You got that right.

And then, the stresses on the family in Benares pile up even more, and Vibha reaches a desperate breaking point, and makes a significant decision that will impact the rest of her life. She sleeps with a man who says he will give her a job. And big surprise, there is no job. 

So Vibha ends up becoming a high class escort.

It’s really not quite as black and white as the series of events I just laid out – and if it had been, I probably would have switched the film off within minutes, because there’s only so much lurid, simplistic melodrama one can take. Vibha’s eventual transformation into Natasha, a high class prostitute,

is slightly more complex, and I think that the film made even the slightest attempt to show, psychologically and emotionally, how she could end up in a situation that seems unimaginable at the start of the film, when she and Chutki are gleefully secretly watching what the subtitles called a ‘cabaret performer’ – really, an old-school courtesan (Hema Malini, and she is so gorgeous) – dance (and her forbidden “Christmas tree” glamour is scandalous to them ) is the sort of thing that interests me in films like this.

Really, the plot of the film is nothing particularly superwow, and I can see how viewers coming to it expecting the usual Yash Raj entertainment fare flocked away in disappointed droves. But honestly – someone made a point to me today about how not every film has to be a great film, and how even flawed films can have merit, and as I watched LCMD that sentiment really kept replaying in my head.

So – even though this film may not be earthshattering, it does have the following things going for it:

Rani Mukherjee. If there’s an actress I really miss seeing in current films, it’s Rani. She is so, so good, and this film, though really and truly filled with fantastic actors, really does belong to her. I can’t help but think that this seems like a risky role for her to have taken on – and maybe that risk didn’t pay off so well for her.

The characters are complex and presented somewhat realistically. This a) might sound weird for a melodrama and b) really is just how I viewed it, and I’d be interested to see whether it’s just my peculiar filter or not, but, for example, I really thought the presentation of women was…yes, realistic. In terms of at least they weren’t cartoony stereotypes.  Maybe I was just expecting characters to fall into the whole virgin/whore dichotomy – you know, women in film have to be one or the other, but for example Jaya Bachchan’s character was pleasingly complex: the mother who is trying to do the best she can for her family; who suspects her daughter’s shameful secret but accepts the ‘dirty ‘ money out of need; but then turns on her when she thinks it will threaten the future happiness of the family. She is a mother, and she is trying to keep her family together the only way she knows how, and she makes flawed, incomprehensible decisions, and is honestly heartbreaking when she breaks down and says “I failed as a mother”. 

Vibha is described by Hema Malini’s courtesan character as having ‘innocent eyes’ – even upon her return from Bombay (e.g. after years as a prostitute), implying she is pure of heart and soul, if not of body. This is backed up when MAJOR SPOILER ALERT Rohan (Abhishek Bachchan, in an 'extended special appearance' that LITERALLY made me squeal with joy, I love him and Rani onscreen together SO MUCH)

Sigh. Abhi and Rani. 2nd favourite jodi. EVER.

proposes to Vibha and she finally decides, against her mother’s wishes, to tell him the truth about her job, and be open and honest – pure of soul and heart – so that any relationship they have is based on honesty. Hah okay so that sounds cheesy and maybe a little less than realistic. I don’t know. I’m a romantic.

And though I do take task with the extremely uneven presentation of ‘strong women’ and feminism in this film – for example, Chutki gets an awesome job in advertising, gets an awesome account, all on her own merit…then crumbles at the last minute because she can’t think of a presentation. It’s okay though, because Kunal Kapoor saves the day and it’s ALL AN EXCUSE FOR THEM TO FALL IN LOVE. Couldn’t she have just…done a kickass presentation, and Kunal could have fallen in love with how amazing she was THAT way? Ugh, anyway – ultimately there is a message that women are NOT just emotional fragile creatures that need men to look after them; but that women are strong, independent, and capable of whatever they freaking want. Which is actually quite refreshing.

Eklavya: The Royal Guard (Vidhu Vinod Chopra, 2007)

Sometimes, especially now that in this social-networking-centric age, and especially in the Bolly-blogosphere, we seem to discuss and analyse Bollywood movies to a ridiculous degree – before they have even hit theatres (let alone before I get to see them, MONTHS later on dvd) it’s nice to come to viewing a film with absolutely no expectations whatsoever.

Which is how I approached Eklavya. I cannot tell you what a refreshing experience it is to know nothing – NOTHING – about a film before viewing it. I didn’t know whether it had been received well on its release. I didn’t know what the story was, not even vaguely, because the only trailers I had seen were brief, and hinted at precisely zip. It was refreshing, because my mind was a blank slate, free of the external noise of conflicting opinions, met and unmet expectations, dizzying praise and damning criticism.

I don’t know, maybe that’s how everyone else always reviews things, but not me. Usually I know a lot about what I’m watching before I ever hit ‘play’. That can be intimidating.

All I knew was that it featured Big B with some scary looking facial hair, Vidya Balan and Saif Ali Khan, and (the reason I bought it in the first place) my pimping sad-eyed gangster movie boyfriend, Sanju Baba. AS A POLICEMAN. That, my friends, was enough to sell me on it.

This alone was worth the price of the DVD. OH YES.

And I loved it. Yet again, it appears I am swimming against the prevailing tide of popular opinion** because from what I can gather, Eklavya was something of a highly anticipated, yet ultimately disappointing film for a lot of people, coming as it did from a hugely esteemed producer/director and following the success of both Omkara and the Munna Bhai films. Plus the script allegedly took 5 years to write. Yeah...no pressure.

Set in a citadel in a hill station in Rajasthan, Eklavya: The Royal Guard tells the tragic tale of the royal family of Devigarh, and how the death of the Queen (Sharmila Tagore) and the revelation of a long kept family secret threaten to shatter the dynasty.   (Okay – it’s quite a lot more deliciously scandalous than that, but I’m hardly gonna wreck the film for you am I?)

Charged with protecting the King (Boman Irani) and the Prince (Saif Ali Khan) is Eklavya (Amitabh Bachchan), an aging Royal Guard whose eyesight is failing, and whose sense of duty to the Royal Family is unwavering. But with deception and conspiracy lurking in every corner of the citadel, can Eklavya fulfil his duty?

I LIKED IT AND HERE IS WHY:

This film is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous to look at. And clocking in at around 2 hours, is economical for a Bollywood film. If you can’t fit a full-length Bollywood film into your schedule, Eklavya is a good pick.

Honestly, sometimes it’s so easy to forget that Amitabh Bachchan is actually a super-megastar for a very good reason. He is absolutely HEARTBREAKING in this film. He says volumes with his eyes alone, and doesn’t ham it up, and it’s just hard to not be mesmerized by him.

I actually also really enjoyed Saifu’s performance in this film. It would be a tough ask, going up against some amazing actors (Sanju Baba, Boman Irani, Amitabh Bachchan…) but Saif is one of those actors who I always forget can actually really act, and act really well, when he’s in the right film. I am guilty of constantly underestimating the man.

Though it does veer a bit too much towards soap-opera melodrama near the end, for the most part, I love the meaty themes and kind of larger than life, epic Shakespearian feel to the whole film, even though it’s set in the present day. You can watch it for pure melodramatic soapy entertainment if you wish; or if you prefer substance, there’s deeper questions of ethics and relationships, honour, duty and dharma you can delve into. I like the psychological stuff.

** I seem to be swimming against the tide of popular opinion a lot these days. SIGH. Sometimes it can wear you down, you know, this reviewing thing.  All I can offer is MY OPINION. An opinion, by definition, cannot be right or wrong. But you try telling that to the people who think that opinion = fact. FACT: an opinion does not and never will equal “fact”, not on this blog, and I think I’m pretty good at differentiating between the two. You can agree or disagree with my opinions, but our points of view are equally valid.

A narcissistic experiment with no substance whatsoever

Oooooh, okay so this is just an experiment because I can't really be bothered writing up any of the films I watched over the weekend, and my very first watchalong (Hatya) though a RAGING SUCCESS, did not produce, um...the most intelligent analytical film commentary. The less said about that the better. That the conversation briefly bled over into Twitter was embarrassing enough :)

Anyway here:

VOICE POST ONE

TERRIBLE quality and it took me waaaay too long to figure out how to bloody do it, IF I HAVE EVEN MANAGED TO DO IT RIGHT...but hee hee! That's ME!

Shameful Pleasure #7

Humko Tumse Pyaar Hai (Bunty Soorma, 2006)

So here’s my final Shameful Pleasures Week confession: I’m a big filthy liar.

You and me both, Ameesha, you and me both.

Remember when I revealed my shameful love for Bobby Deol? And how I can’t justify purchasing a film JUST BECAUSE IT HAS BOBBY DEOL IN IT?

So…yeah…so maybe that’s not quite accurate. Because in my dvd collection there is one gleaming beacon of pure shame. AND PURE AWESOME.

The film I bought solely for Bobby Deol.

Do I even need to explain just how awfulsomely wonderful this film is? It’s totally the ultimate Shameful Classic in my collection.

I BOUGHT IT FOR BOBBY DEOL, knowing FULL WELL who his co-stars were. Arjun Rampal, though many find him amazingly pretty, has never held the SLIGHTEST attraction for me and while he is not…awful…is one of those actors that is at best described as pleasantly adequate.

...I bet that wish was not to be described as "pleasantly adequate", Arjun. 

Ameesha Patel on the other hand, is an actress whose tendency to WILDLY OVERACT tends to grate on my nerves most of the time.

Get used to this face, because it's Ameesha's default expression for 75% of the film. AWESOME!

Luckily, in HTPH, Arjun and Ameesha are PERFECTLY cast. Arjun, as a pleasant, handsome typical Bollywood hero who falls in love with Ameesha; and Ameesha, AWESOMELY as OMG ARE YOU READY FOR THIS: a blind village sculptress who starts the movie by trying to commit suicide because her true love (Arjun) is dead; who then regains her sight and falls in love with a total spunk in Switzerland (Bobby Deol!) and then gets embroiled in a tricky, uber melodramatic love triangle when her true love (Arjun) COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD and turns out to be Mr Switzerland’s BEST FRIEND.

BUT I'M PLEASANT! And ADEQUATE! How could you leave me?

It’s like Ameesha, with all her previously annoying overacting, wailing, gnashing of teeth tamashas, has just been practicing for this, THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME, and boy does she do it justice! You have not LIVED until you have experienced her amazing “I am stretching my hands out in front of me dramatically feeling the air” blind acting. IT. IS. BREATHTAKING.

I actually freaking ADORE Ameesha in all her melodramatic wrist slitting glory in HTPH. REALLY.

Seriously – the first half alone brings the crack. Who WOULDN’T want to see Arjun Rampal kinkily smeared in clay? Or blind Ameesha wildly flailing about in a massive house fire? Or…this FREAKY THING THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ARJUN RAMPAL:

Uhh, this is supposed to be a) proof of Ameesha's AMAZING sculpting talent and b) her love for Arjun Rampal's character. CRACKTASTIC FAIL, ANYONE?

But the film really hits its stride post interval, when…sigh…Bobby Deol shows up. Here, swoon with me:

I FREAKING LOVE YOU BOBBY DEOL!

It’s so MELODRAMATIC  AND ROMANTIC AND WONDERFUL! This movie is ACTUALLY terrible and I will hide it from any of my friends, and deny owning it, but seriously – ALL TIME FAVOURITE. Oh, the shame.

If it wasn’t enough of a hint that I BOUGHT THIS FILM SOLELY FOR BOBBY’S PRESENCE, the fact that in screencapping HTPH, I seem to have, um…neglected many of the film’s significant moments in favour of capturing more and better Bobby shots.

He's pretty.

See how versatile he is? See Bobby SCOWL.

Tragic Bobby tears! Scho SCHWEET.

MY heart is certainly fanatical.

In this shot, Bobby demonstrates some AWESOME eye acting. Sigh. I LOVE YOU BOBBY.

I decided to leave it that way to as to honestly reflect the true shameful nature of my relationship with this film. So you just have to trust me, Ameesha and Arjun are ACTUALLY in this film, and a bunch of stuff actually happens without Bobby, BUT I HAVE NO PICTURE EVIDENCE. Because Bobby is the reason I bought this film after seeing a clip from it in my local Indian restaurant. ("Is that Bobby Deol? In a movie with Arjun Rampal and Ameesha Patel? I MUST SEEK IT OUT AND OWN IT!")

Count yourselves lucky I managed to restrain myself from posting the other 50+ Bobby shots. FOR REAL.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

EDIT: 

I actually wrote this post, and in fact most of the Shameless Pleasures posts a few days in advance of their actual publishing dates because I am EXTREMELY WELL ORGANISED LIKE THAT. But, um...since I actually wrote anything about Bobby Deol...well. HE'S BEEN ON MY MIND.

Shocking admission NUMBER TWO: remember how I vowed I could NEVER buy this:

Yeah, well. Guess what?


I suck at the whole resisting temptation thing. BIG SURPRISE.