Fantastically Filmi

Guddi (Hrishikesh Mukherjee, 1971)

The harsh reality of the film industry.

Before she was Jaya Bachchan, the woman now known primarily as Mrs Big B or Abhishek’s ‘mom’ was Jaya Badhuri, a fresh-faced, cheeky wee slip of a thing, an actress in her own right, who made her mainstream Bollywood film debut “as and in” Hrishikesh Mukerjee’s Guddi.

Small aside for a moment: I have never really felt a lot of love for Jaya Bachchan, because she always seems so SOURFACED, ALL THE FREAKING TIME  though I am sure she is a lovely lady and this is just an unfortunate default expression.  Apart from Sholay, which remains all around one of the best things I have ever seen for all involved, the only other thing I’ve seen Jaya in is K3G, right, because I haven’t yet psyched myself into the emosanal attyachar of Silsila.(EDIT: Actually I also totally forgot she was in Kal Ho Naa Ho, which is a film I LOVE. She is also pretty dour in that. Way to make an impression, Mrs Bachchan). So to see her in Guddi, as a cheeky, giddy schoolgirl, with an expression other than that of someone who has just sucked on a sour lemon, is SO SO WONDERFUL IN ITSELF.

We're talking THIS...

 ...versus THIS.

Guddi is a GLORIOUSLY SATISFYING coming of age film, charting the subtle and gradual transformation of Guddi from starry-eyed school-girl into mature womanhood. The story is simple – and SO awesome. Especially, if like me, you love films about films and basically lap self-referential shiz up like it was going out of fashion. BUT IT WILL NEVER GO OUT OF FASHION.

Guddi (Jaya Badhuri) is a bratty school-girl who loves Bollywood films. More specifically – she loves Dharmendra. Her crush on the actor is so great that when Navin (Samit Bhanja) confesses his love for Guddi, she rejects his proposal because of her love for Garam Dharam.

 The real Dharmendra is such a rockstar.

How do you compete when the other man is ACTUALLY Dharmendra?

Because Guddi’s Dharmendra obsession is endangering her marriage prospects with Navin, Navin’s uncle Mr Gupta (who in a convenient filmi twist, just happens to know someone who knows Dharmendra, luckily enough) arranges for Guddi to visit Bombay and see the reality of a Bollywood film set. There she meets Dharmendra and discovers the truth behind the illusory glamour of the film world.

And that’s pretty much it.

If that doesn’t sound like filmi-geek self-referential HEAVEN already – I mean – COME ON, DHARMENDRA IS PLAYING ‘HIMSELF’ -  maybe it’s because I forgot to mention the totally FREAKING AWESOME CAMEOS from the likes of such luminaries as…

PRAN!

Dharmendra thinks Pran is PRANTASTIC too!

as well as others, like Rajesh Khanna (demonstrating to Guddi how actors forget their lines) plus stock footage ‘appearances’ from a raft of stars including Amitabh Bachchan and (Hot Papa) Vinod Khanna.

Like I was going to miss an opportunity to post a pic of HPK. DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME?

One of my favourite-most filmi parts comes as Guddi arrives in Bombay. A scenario is picturised over all the Bollywood film billboards welcoming her to the city, making appropriate use of iconic heroes, heroines and villains, conveying all the action, romance, and drama of Bollywood through a series of static images.

OH IT’S SO EFFECTIVE AND WONDERFUL. And it made me want to travel back in time so I could live in Bombay, 1970.

The thing that Guddi does so well as a film is treads a very fine line between being pure entertainment and being a social commentary. On the one hand, this IS a film that raises some very interesting points: about the relationships between the audience the filmmakers, and the media, and how these work; about how a film is made, how this process is perceived in the industry and outside of it; and about stardom – how it is created, maintained, and how it fades. There are so many interesting issues sensitively and subtly tackled in Guddi – for someone like me, who studied this stuff and finds it endlessly fascinating, this film is incredibly interesting and amazingly relevant, even 40 years later.

On the other hand, some people just want to watch movies, and couldn’t care less about how everything works – some people, like Guddi in the film, will be disillusioned at seeing how the magic of cinema is actually just ‘plastic glamour’ as one of the characters puts it. The strength of Guddi is that as well as being clever, it’s got a big squishy Bollywood dil. As much as we root for Guddi to wake up from her Bollywood dream and grow up, at the same time, the film accomplishes the remarkable feat of SUCKING US IN to a Bollywood dream of our own.  So there’s a smalltown dreamer who wants to make it in big bad glamourous Bombay, and will do anything (even steal from his family and lie to his friends) to make his dream come true – only to have it shatter when he finds out, as Guddi does, that the Bollywood glamour DOES just consist of smoke and mirrors. So Dharmendra, playing ‘himself’ is still a filmi fantasy hero of sorts

 Filmi fantasy hero no. 1

– he’s the guy we all want him to be in real life: the filmstar who will do what he can to make sure Navin and Guddi end up together.  I love it, because I DO hope Dharmendra is a nice guy in reality.

Instead of making a film mocking a girl for falling in love with a film hero, this film celebrates and explores every facet of the film industry, exposing its cracks and flawed reality, so that the people who love reel life and filmi heroes like Guddi does, can continue to love films for the right reasons, and love everything, and everyone who contributes to the making of a film, not just misdirect their love solely to the heroes or heroines in films who represent the ‘plastic glamour’ of the film industry, the part that ISN’T real. Instead of making fans out to be sad people needing to grow up, Guddi, wonderfully, acknowledges that the audience are vital to the equation and indeed I think the very fact that a carefully, intelligently crafted film like Guddi exists is testament to this.

Apart from all the film stuff going on, there’s a very real love story at the heart of Guddi, and if you don’t get sucked in by THAT, and like me, giggle with delight at the final title card, which ties into a narrative device woven deftly throughout the whole film– SO SATISFYING – then really, why do you watch movies at all? THIS FILM IS ONE OF MY TOP TEN OF ALL TIME. Please watch it so I will have people to squee over it with me. 

GENIUS!

Veer (Anil Sharma, 2010)

So here’s where I destroy any vestige of credibility I have left, and announce to every single person who begged me not to watch Veer for the sake of my mental health because it is The Worst Film Ever, that:

I actually really enjoyed it. Like, I freaking loved it.

Maybe I’m just fortunate in coming to the film so late in the game, with so many bad reviews and terrible recommendations lowering my expectations to zero; maybe it’s that I’ve suffered through enough truly awful films now for the sake of some of my beloved stars that a film like Veer that actually has an entertaining coherent plot is a relative masterpiece in comparison. I mean, seriously! If you actually think Veer is the worst film you have ever seen, I am more than happy to lend you my copy of Money Hai Toh Honey Hai (and you KNOW I love Govinda with a crazy obsessive’s passion, so you better believe that if I say that movie sucks, it’s REALLY bad).

So basically Veer is the EPIC LOVE STORY of a Pindari warrior named Veer (played with much glowering menace by Sallu-bhai). Set in a somewhat vague time period sometime in the early 1900s-ish, the Pindaris – a rustic, simple tribe, have been at war with the Madhavgarh tribe since a betrayal from the Madhavgarh king, Gyanendra(Jackie Shroff) had led to the brutal massacre of 4,500 Pindaris.

So naturally, when Veer falls in love with the alluring and mysterious Yashodhara (Zarine Khan) after he robs the train she is a passenger on, it’s just a matter of time before he finds out she is, OF COURSE, Gyanendra’s daughter. Is their love COSMIC FATED LOVE? Will their respective daddy-issues get in the way? How long till Sallu LOSES HIS SHIRT?

Zarine Khan was lovely. Like a likeable, less breakable version of La Kaif (ugh). 

Anyway, I’m not going to bash Veer, AT ALL, because I freaking loved it, people: what is wrong with all of you? What I look for in a film, above all, is ENTERTAINMENT, and Veer brings it, in spades. I laughed, I cried (yes, really), I gasped in horror and yelled things at the screen. I even DID NOT HATE Sohail (gasp!) I was fully engaged and sucked in. PAISA VASOOL people! How can you not love a film that offers you all of this?

1. Salman Khan actually GROWLS LIKE A TIGER when he gets angry. He does lots of glowering and basically plays Sallu the brutish thug.

I freaking love crazy-eye Sallu.

But he’s a thug with a heart of gold, of course. Who MAGICALLY loses his shirt (or armour) at opportune moments (like when he is jousting a wrestler for the hand of a princess). AWESOME. I love that about Sallu – his magical disappearing shirts are SO vital to the narrative.

Once again - giving the people what they want.

2. Veer is an epic period piece spanning continents and generations. The costume designer, in a stroke of PURE GENIUS, uses the Dharam-Veer approach to authenticity, so we have all manner of vaguely cracked out clothing combinations. My favourite items are the 90s boy-band hats in 1900s (?? who knows when it’s supposed to be since the costumes are hardly an accurate guide) London and Sallu’s bright orange jeans in his primitive Pindari village.

Time period: questionable. 

 

3. Sohail Khan dresses up as a fake tiger and Salman Khan wrestles him to fool the shifty bad guys. AWESOME shout out to Dharam-Veer.

4. OMFG YOU GUYS JACKIE SHROFF HAS A GOLDEN ARM.  Seriously? You all think this movie sucks? JACKIE SHROFF HAS A LIMB MADE OUT OF JEWEL-ENCRUSTED GOLD, AND WHEN SALLU GOES TO SHAKE HIS HAND, HE ACCIDENTALLY PULLS HIS GOLDEN ARM OFF.

...AWKWARD!

I mean – for real? People hate this movie? Are you serious? HOW IS THIS NOT THE MOST GENIUS THING EVER?!

Khanna-ed out!

Wave goodbye to the handsome man.

Though there are officially a few more days left of the gloriousness that is Khanna-O-Rama, I'm all Khanna-ed out! While I will, of course be reading everyone's updates, until my (WAY TOO MANY) recent ebay purchases get here, I've reached the end of my tiny Khanna film collection - well, with the exception of a couple more EXTREMELY dubious HPK vehicles from the 90s that I'm saving for when we all need a dose of the major awfulsome (and sadly neither of them feature the greatest brodi the world has ever seen: VININDA!).

THINGS I HAVE LEARNED DURING KHANNA-O-RAMA (aside from the obvious awesome fact that there are numerous people who share the same brand of crazy as me; and the AMAZINGNESS of the word 'chuddis').

Vinod: So many people ALL OVER THE WORLD love Hot Papa Khanna, like whoa, SO MUCH. Which is so totally awesome, and so totally justified, because he is so totally the man. THE MAN. Did you know that Vinod Khanna is actually made up of PURE TESTOSTERONE? Check it out:



Akshaye: I still know sweet FA about Akshaye, except I think he prefers it that way. And that he would prefer me, as a woman, to be silent. And I learned through exhaustive research he doesn't really DO endorsements. Except sneakily, in film form, MWA HA HA: 

Skip to around 6:30 and you will see what I mean *DRINK COKE DRINK COKE DRINK COKE*

Rahul: May actually be the second coolest guy alive on the planet (after his supercool daddy, BUTOFCOURSE), but I bet he can't run like a lion. Also, pretty sure that the chink in the suave, sexy facade is that Pappu can't dance . Shhhhh, I know, but it had to be said. It's okay though, nobody is perfect and hey, at least he does have rhythm and is really, really REALLY ridiculously good-looking, witty, intelligent and stylish.

 String of superlatives goes here, for my favourite Khanna offspring. 

All that remains to be said is a HUGE thank you to Beth for organising this huge Khanna love-fest and everyone who has made it so much fun to participate! And my (non-Bollywood loving) mum, who told me the other day "I read your blog, darling, but to be honest, I can't really understand a word you write on there". HAHAH THANKS MUM!

Where's the MAGIC?

Chor Sipahee (Prayag Raaj, 1977)

There must be something wrong with me, since according to just about everything I can find on the internet, everybody fricking LOVES this movie, but: what a freaking disappointment.

See his face? That's my face for 90% of Chor Sipahee.

On the back cover of my dvd copy of Chor Sipahee, there is a picture of Vinod Khanna wearing a top hat and a red cape, and putting on black gloves. He looks like an evil, awesome magician. LIKE A MAGICIAN. (In the same picture, Shabana Azmi is wearing an adorable polka dotted top with a big red heart appliquéd on the front. While Vinod looks magical and evil, she looks like the naïve magician’s assistant).
 

FIFTH PICTURE DOWN! EVIL MAGICIAN! Yes, I was sad enough to scan the back cover of my dvd as PROOF! PROOF I AM NOT INSANE!

I sat through the entire movie waiting for Vinod Khanna as an evil, awesome magician. IT NEVER HAPPENED.  This was possibly the most crushing disappointment of the entire film, given the array of cracktastic costumes given to Shashi Kapoor, and the freaking golden moon boots worn by the guy who (as the PPCC pointed out, does bear a striking resemblance to Rukhie) was pretending to be from Saudi Arabia, which only kept building up my hopes that the scene with Hot Papa Khanna dressed up as an evil awesome magician must be RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

So is it just my stupid dvd copy (the SKY ENTERTAINMENT release, avoid yaar)? I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if it is missing like, BIG CHUNKS OF THE MOVIE because to be honest, the narrative seemed to skip wildly at points and not make a whole bunch of sense. Plus the back cover says the running time is 180 minutes and I’m pretty sure my copy lasted for something more akin to 2 hours. Plus there are WILD colour grading issues. Plus it suffered from the same subtitles issue that the PPCC mentioned – only not just in the last half hour, ALL THE WAY THROUGH: the subtitles either arrived way too early, or too late.

IS IT ANY WONDER THIS FILM FAILED TO MOVE ME? It was just…confusing.

So I can’t really comment objectively on the film’s merits, because I don’t think I have actually seen the film as it was INTENDED to be seen.

THINGS I CAN SAY ABOUT THIS FILM

The storyline is basically about Raja (Vinod Khanna) – a chor (thief)

and Shankar (Shashi Kapoor) – a sipahee (policeman).

Shankar believes in reform for criminals rather than punishment, and promises Raja’s family that no matter what, he will reform Raja from his life of crime. But in doing so, Shankar gets sucked into the murky underworld and in trying to reform the criminal, BECOMES A CRIMINAL. Dun dun dunnnnn.

And then it all gets a little bit confusing, the subtitles go freaking batshit insane crazy and they end up at a Poultry Farm.  I really do think my copy is missing key scenes. Honestly – it started out promising, with sneering cat burglar Vinod smouldering up the screen

 WHY would you want to reform a face like that? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

and Shashi (who may even be growing on me) singing an awesome hilarious kickass hero song whilst dispensing vigilante-style justice, and then as the film progressed into a kind of messagey melodrama about whether social reform is better than dishing out punishment, it just got kind of…boring. And no amount of cracktastic costumes, or the hotness of Vinod Khanna, or even the weird glass pod thing they used to get into the secret hideaway lair,  could save it. NOT EVEN IF THE MYTHICAL MAGICIAN OUTFIT HAD EXISTED (which a cursory Google search suggests it might not. BUT IT'S ON THE DVD COVER!).

The best bit of the film is near the beginning, when Shankar and Raja face off for the first time. Not only does Vinod Khanna make his entrance by VIOLENTLY KICKING DOWN A DOOR in a supreme display of macho-ness,  Raja and Shankar totally smash the place up in the MOST hilarious fight ever (they look like they are having so much FUN) – Vinod slides backwards along a bar at one stage – superwow!  My favourite part is when they realize they are both going to bash the crap out of each other and agree that someone needs to call a doctor, and they pause at opposite ends of the room to give each other a cheesy thumbs up. AWESOME.

Vinod Khanna totally wins in the wardrobe stakes in this film. Seriously – I think Shashi’s wife was in charge of Shashi’s wardrobe for the film, so all I could wonder as his outfits got increasingly cracked out was what on earth he did to piss her off.

 I am so confused by this film - I really don't know if this is serious or not.

 No-one else was in costume at this costume party. WHERE WAS THE MAGICIAN?

 I DO kind of find Pimp Shashi attractive.

 But look how much hotter HPK is in contrast. NO CONTEST.

 And in this film SHASHI wears the white pants. It troubles me. 

So anyway, despite the two undeniable highlights - this:

SO MUCH OF KHUSH!

and this:

 SO MUCH OF JISM!

I pretty much hate this movie. The first casualty of Khanna-O-Rama has arrived.

Truth and Lies

Sachaa Jhutha (Manmohan Desai, 1970)

If I’m going to be 100% honest…I have to admit that when I bought this DVD, I didn’t even realize Vinod Khanna was in it. Talk about a pleasant surprise when everybody’s favourite hot dad popped up (wearing white pants, no less!)

Nor did I realise that it was a Manmohan Desai film, which is another pretty much fool-proof indicator of paisa vasool.

The actual reason I own this film is entirely due to my (bordering on unhealthy) obsession with Om Shanti Om. It’s kind of…a geeky compulsion. I have to understand as many of the filmi references in OSO as is humanly possible, and so, obviously, I have to view as many of the films referenced in OSO as is humanly possible. I realize this is ridiculous, obsessive and antisocial. And this is also why, despite claiming Om Shanti Om is my favourite Bollywood film, I have never written it up here. Because it would reach legendary, epic, thesis proportions, and I would probably die alone, a spinster, eaten by neighbourhood cats, having contributed only a weird-ass, obsessive microscopic analysis of filmi references in Om Shanti Om to the blogosphere. And even THAT would probably turn out embarrassingly fangirly, all, OMIGOD  I watched Sachaa Jhutha and Vinod Khanna can certainly rock a pair of white pants IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

ANYWAY I DIGRESS (quite dramatically). The point is: Sachaa Jhutha is one of three films directly referenced by Farah Khan in the song Dhoom Tana – and by directly referenced, I mean she uses actual footage of the leading men from each film and using digital magic, adds Deepika Padukone into the same frame. (For those playing at home the other two films she uses are Amrapali, starring Sunil Dutt; and Jay-Vijay starring Jeetendra). (Yes I own them both). (Yes, I know I am weird).

I don't think so. I have a fever, and the only cure is MORE KHANNA.

So that’s why I own this film. To see where this:

came from.

Short answer: it came from here. Part of did it anyway.

Turns out this movie is super-cool, all on its own. Plus: Vinod Khanna = cherry on the top. In a selection of dapper outfits, with remarkably sexy hair.

SACHAA JHUTHA: Truth and Lies

So, Sachaa Jhutha is a deliciously entertaining tale, starring Vinod Khanna

 What do you mean I am not the KEY KHANNA?

Rajesh Khanna – AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT KHANNA UNRELATED TO KHANNA-O-RAMA –

 Get over it already, Vinod. You're not the ONLY Khanna in the world, contrary to what certain bloggers may indicate.

in a double role: as Bhola, an honest village musician who moves to Mumbai to earn money so he can get his crippled sister married with a decent dowry; and as Ranjit, a smooth criminal mastermind behind a series of diamond heists, who, upon meeting Bhola, is intent on exploiting their uncanny resemblance to each other, and Bhola’s naievete, for his own gain.

How gorgeous is this shot? THIS is why I love Bollywood.

Double-roles are one of my FAVOURITE things in Hindi films, because of the glorious potential for impersonation, secret identity swapping and the “who is REALLY the hero?” question that inevitably comes up. Bhola versus Ranjit might just be my favourite double-role ever. For a double role to be awesome, the look-alikes, of course, have to come face to face:

In a moment, he will beat someone up for smoking. No lie. CRACKTASTIC HILARITY.

But even better than that, is if they FIGHT!

"I can't stand to look at you anymore!"

If you know your Manmohan Desai films, you’ll know that he’s like, the masala KING. Sachaa Jhutha is, I think, maybe less wildly masala-y than some of the later classics (you certainly couldn’t compare this to Dharam Veer or even Amar Akbar Antony) but it does tick a few glorious boxes.

-         Wicked stepmother who only cares about money

-         Crippled sister desperately needing to be married

-         Magical animal plays a pivotal role (seriously – think of Sheroo in Dharam Veer!)

-         ROCKING secret criminal mastermind lair

-         Double role with all the attendant identity swapping and confusion that goes along with that

So where does our boy Vinod fit in?

An excellent question.

Fresh-faced, sexy-haired, well-attired, and smiling for a surprising percentage of his time onscreen, VK plays the earnest, capable police inspector determined to bring the mysterious person responsible for the diamond heists to justice.

 Don't you just want to pinch his cheeks?

Unlike the grim, serious, moral compass he plays in Amar Akbar Antony, or the tortured, dare-I-say-slightly-emo-before-that-was-even-a-word antihero of Parvarish, there’s a radiant lightness that beams from Vinod Khanna in this role. He’s moral – assuring the girl that he finds on the street and offers to take home that “it’s okay, I live with my mother”; and clearly serious and focused in his quest for justice, but he’s playful and happy too: dressing up ridiculously well for a (working) fancy dress party (not that I advocate blackface, but I DIDN'T RECOGNISE HIM for AGES);

 Uhhh...I'm not sure what he's supposed to be, and I don't really want to guess.

demonstrating a truth-telling serum on the two members of the police force he knows are in love with each other; he falls in love too, which might explain the smiling, so much.

 *SWOON*

SO MUCH SMILING VINOD! I never knew you had it in you. And he looks just like Rahul in this film. Or more correctly, I guess, Rahul looks just like him.

I don’t know why it is, but so far, this is my favourite film to watch Vinod Khanna in, based on the fact he looks like he’s enjoying himself. 

The fact he’s ridiculously super handsome doesn’t hurt.

 

Oh Vinod, honey, you are excused.

The power of brotherly love

Maha Sangram (Mukul Anand, 1990)

Before Ekka Raja Rani, there was Maha Sangram. The film that, as far as I can tell, originally brought the world one of the most unlikely, regrettably shortlived, yet touchingly convincing jodis ever. (Some might say it’s a weird, vaguely homoerotic, albeit strangely emotional jodi. To these people I say: oh boy, you’re REALLY GONNA LOVE Maha Sangram, and I’m not even being ironic).

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you (for the second time this week): Vinod and Govinda. Or as I like to secretly refer to them: Vininda.

Maha Sangram (or “Great Conflict” more or less) is about as EPIC as the title suggests. Vinod and Chi Chi play Vishal and Arjun, brothers from a rural village. Vishal drives a tractor for a living , occasionally (inexplicably) kicks some badmaash butt

and then doles out advice to the local goons about how to live better.

He dreams of his younger brother Arjun moving to the city and going to school to become a doctor or a lawyer, even though the pain of being separated from the one person he refers to as the love of his life would be great.

Cue tears. The first, you will soon realize, of MANY.

If I tried to screencap every tear in this film, we would ACTUALLY BREAK THE INTERNET.

You have to understand, the brothers are very close. THEY EVEN SLEEP IN THE SAME BED. Not because they have to…just because they prefer to share.  To be fair to Vishal, it’s Arjun that instigates this. Vishal is such a loving brother though, he even tolerates his younger bhai stealing the blankets.

Hmmm. Analysis of the choice of sides of the bed, please.

But Maha Sangram is not a happy, brothers frolicking in bed with each other in the village with each other kind of film. I’m not spoiling anything by telling you this: the film opens with Vishal finding out that Arjun, having moved to the city, has washed up dead on the beach, apparently having committed suicide. But THAT’S NOT HOW THE ARJUN VISHAL KNOWS WOULD HAVE ROLLED! And so Vishal goes to the city for answers, and to collect his bhai’s ashes.

On the way, he loses his shirt in front of MADHURI DIXIT!

And discovers the title Maha Sangram refers to a Montague/Capulet situation with two families battling it out in a bloody gang war (how many films do I have to watch where Vinod gets embroiled in a bloody gang war?)... AND GABBAR SINGH IS THE BIG DADDY OF ONE OF THE FAMILIES! 

To be honest, this film is actually more of a Govinda vehicle than anything else – Hot Papa Khanna disappears from the action for the lengthy middle section as a flashback explains to us what happened to Arjun during his time in Mumbai. (Hint: he became inadvertently embroiled in the brewing family gang war, and all because he fell in love....awwww Chi Chi, will you never learn?)

Apparently not.

Among other things: Chi Chi gets involved in what appears to be a West Side Story influenced street fight – you know, with the finger clicking? I’M NOT KIDDING and I think it was supposed to be intense, not HILARIOUS (it was hilarious, Flight of the Conchord styles).

And, this:

 What? The party's over?

I don’t even know how to BEGIN to explain.

Vinod Khanna’s most notable and memorable contribution to this film, as I mentioned earlier in the week, is the sheer frequency and quality of his crying.

A heartbreaking work of staggering genius.

And related to Vinod's glorious crying jag, one of the most awkward reactions to a declaration of love, like, EVER. 

Just to set the scene, late-period yet surprisingly well-put-together and still SMOKING HOT TOPLESS PAPA KHANNA demands to know from a gorgeous and likeable (for me, this is the first time I have ever liked her!) Madhuri Dixit JUST WHAT THEIR RISHTA IS!

If you're gonna ask, VK, you better be prepared for the answer.

Madhuri couldn't really be less subtle with her answer.

But THIS FACE is not EVER the desired result of a frank and honest declaration of love.

Nor is this: HE STARTS CRYING AND SINGING ABOUT HIS DEAD BROTHER

Um. Not the response Madhuri was hoping for, I'm betting.

Though Maha Sangram is certainly long, clocking in at a good three hours, its pros:

- epic dishoom dishoom (Vinod, Govinda...and the POWERHOUSE COMBO: VININDA!), including one of my alltime favourite things: a climactic fight scenario featuring sword-fighting set in the present day (with Madhuri Dixit joining in saying "I TOOK THE REVENGE")

- VINOD KHANNA ACTUALLY DANCING

- a remarkable lack of bad hair on Vinod's end, despite the later period setting. This is further offset in HPK's favour by Chi Chi's outrageous pouffy mullet and HEADBANDS.

- Awesome Chi Chi dancing in STUPID-RIDICULOUS OUTFITS.

- FREAKING GABBAR SINGH (okay, Amjad Khan) is in this film!

- The chemistry between Chi Chi and Vinod. The sheer emotional awesome of their brotherly jodi, or 'brodi', if you will. THESE GUYS LOVE EACH OTHER, I totally believe it. Plus, Akshaye (or, as I think of him in my house "the most enigmatic Khanna") offers some insight as to why these guys ever got paired up in the first place: they are EQUALLY POWERFUL BEINGS WHO BOTH INTIMIDATE AKSHAYE.

outweigh its one con:

- screamy mustache guy who cannot say a line if he can scream it. He gets annoying very quickly. And he plays ANGRY SON in one of the warring families, so gets a lot of scream screen time.

He is so annoying, I even found fondness in my heart for Shakti Kapoor.

The END.