Give the people what they want

Wanted (Prabhudheva, 2009)

So, count me in to the Sallu-bhai fangirl club. I know I used to have that pesky irrational hatred for him, but he wormed his way into my heart with  sneaky comic flair, first with Jaan-E-Mann, then with his hilarious antics opposite Akki in Mujhse Shaadi Karoge.  Now, having finally seen him in an action flick, the genre he is actually most famous for (and the success of this film responsible for breaking a sad run of flops for Sallu…sigh, except now, what will save you from Veer, Sallu?)…I get it. Sallu certainly can harness that macho, thuggish charm and use it to harness the power of awesome when he puts his mind, and swiveling hips, to it.

 Sallu plays Radhe, who is not a man to be trifled with. Though his hairstyle and length varies WILDLY throughout the film, Radhe DARES you to mock him. HE DARES YOU.

 

 Even when he has whack-a-doo daydreams that take place IN THE PAST (Veer, anybody?)…

 

The trend seems to be VEERing (haha see what I did there?) in favour of pit hair for men. Based on my obsessive yet amazingly unscientific research. (Ugh, note annoying scrolling message urging me to choose this song as my ringtone - this is a trend I DO NOT ENJOY, DVD MAKERS).

Wanted is pretty ridiculous awesome when it comes down to it. A modern-day masala flick, it’s set in a version of Mumbai overrun with rival gangs fighting it out for control. The police are powerless to stop the bloody gang war, given the corruption that festers within the force, so it is up to Radhe – a fearlessly hardcore and brutal goonda who will murder anyone for money – to eliminate mafia don Gani Bhai’s enemies singlehandedly. But with Radhe switching allegiances for nothing but the right price, he is a wanted man – wanted by the law, and wanted by the gangs.

There’s good cop versus bad cop; secret adopted brothers; a pimpin’ evil villain with a great sense of humour; 

 Aforementioned evil pimpin' villain.

lots of action with superwow stunts that serve the script, rather than the other way round (ahem, take note, BLUE) and swivelly hipped Sallu dancing with a couple of special guests (even though I knew they were coming, I still squealed in delight, because at least one of them is much deserving of the squeal of delight).

I freaked out my flatmate the other day by screaming "ANIIIIIIIIIL!!!" at the television when an ad for 24 came on. He was confused as to why I was pointing and squealing "ANIL KAPOOR! ANIIIIIIIL!"

HIGHLIGHTS and RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

The music KICKS ASS. Much like Sallu. Plus, how can you not love a character who implores you love him by singing: “Love me, love me, love me, your mama says you love me, your papa says you love me…” ? Well… Okay. If my parents say so.

The best bit is that in this part of the Love Me song, Sallu is actually going "Coo, coo". LIKE A DOVE.

The cherry on top of this glorious masala sundae,  definitively turning this film from awesome to RIDICULOUS AWESOME: Vinod Khanna. Still the man. Still totally the man.

Khanna. LOVE. The man is *string of superlatives*.

While much of the film is your standard flashy action flick, glimpses of sheer batshit crazy genius occasionally peek through and make it superwow. Moments like the Vicco Vajradanti reference in the elevator:

Seriously, they fall in love based on sharing the same fresh breath. Blowing on each others faces as an aphrodisiac - not sure that's gonna catch on.

But who's teeth are whiter?

We have a winner! 

or Sallu’s shirt BURNING OFF HIS BODY to reveal , well…this:

Sallu gives the people what they want.

or pretty much any of Sallu’s exchanges with Ayesha Takia. How could I have carelessly written you off as just a macho thug, Sallu? YOU ARE A COMIC GENIUS. My irrational hatred – permanently revoked. I CANNOT WAIT to see Veer.

Oh, the sweet melodrama!

Mujhse Dosti Karoge (Kunal Kohli, 2002)

This film has no superwow special effects or amazing gimmicks to mark it out as any different from any other Bollywood film. In fact, maybe that’s why I had never heard of it, despite its star cast: it is essentially another run of the mill Yash Raj romance, a seemingly timeless tale of fated love and the rocky road leading to the happy ending. Critics, obviously, found nothing especially riveting about it. One review I read actually criticized the film for having too many songs.

TOO MANY SONGS?!

What. Ever. I went into viewing Mujhse Dosti Karoge with no expectations…and in a very short time was entirely sucked in. Sure, it’s not radical or highly original – but that is part of the appeal. The structure, the characters, the formula, the song picturisations – they are comfortingly familiar, and this film is eminently enjoyable. I can already see myself returning to Mujhse Dosti Karoge as a favourite, time and time again.

What’s not to love? There is star power: Hrithik Roshan (scho schweet!), Rani Mukerji (adorably trying to be ‘the ugly one” and failing, she could never be anything other than utterly gorgeous) and Kareena Kapoor (playing the beautiful loveable brat again).

Oh, Rani, you're pretty too! 

 

Bebo being FABULOUS. So cuuuuute!

The plot combines the loyalty of childhood friendship and the undeniable cosmic power of fated love into a potent, melodramatic package that means 70% of the film is Hrithik giving somebody long lingering glances, or intense smouldering looks. SMOULDERING LOOKS! Excuse me while I swoon a little. As the tangled mesh of interpersonal relationships and who loves who but who is actually with who? becomes more complex thanks to the web of LIES everything is built on, Hrithik gets to issue increasingly insane secret ultimatums to the (secret) love of his life to try and get his way. The extreme melodrama of it all!

 Hrithik does a lot of smouldering in this film. SWOOOOOON.

A number of shots even subtly suggest that Raj (Hrithik’s character) has taken to drinking to deal with the deep emotional turmoil of LIVING A LIE.

Okay, so it might be tea... Long Island Iced Tea. Secret drunk ups the melodrama factor  110%! 

I fricking love this film. IT’S LIKE CRACK TO ME. I CAN’T GET ENOUGH.

HIGHLIGHTS and RANDOM OBSERVATIONS:

A ‘special appearance’ that made me laugh out loud and go “OH MY GOD!”

Uday Chopra will STEAL YOUR HEART. He is sneaky.

…but he was actually surprisingly likeable. Go figure – I liked him in Mohabbatein and I like him in this. Maybe old Uday isn’t that bad. Maybe it’s just his character in Dhoom that makes me grind my teeth.

It’s not all tortured looks and weeping (even though I would still lap it up if it was, because Bollywood emo is THE BEST KIND OF EMO). Raj is goofy and sweet when it’s TRUE COSMIC FATED LOVE. He’s not afraid to be himself and wear a silly hat. (I would LOVE to see Hrithik Roshan in a goofball comedy based entirely on the face he makes in this scene, plus he seems to have that whole rubber-limbed thing going for him when he dances).
 

Please, Hrithik of 2010? Get rid of the emo Guzarish Grizzly Bear look and be this goofy guy!

Raj is also not afraid to push fashion boundaries and rock the double denim.
 

You could not get away with it. But Raj can.

OMG The Medley! This bit was so cool. Supposedly a sangeet (an engagement party where everyone does a performance) – but really it was THE AWESOMEST EXCUSE EVER to make a medley of 18 Hindi film songs for Hrithik and co. to sing and dance to. Plus, OH BE STILL, MY BEATING DIL, the lyrics of all the songs, while appropriate for the sangeet had significance for the love triangle dynamics going down. 

 When Raj sings "Kaho na pyaar hai" it is loaded with delicious, crunchy, melodramatic subtext. PLUS totally awesome, intertextual-reference wise.

When Kuch Kuch Hota Hai starts playing, and it starts raining…you know I’m crying, and totally in love with Hrithik Roshan.
 

My mum asked me the other day "what is WITH the rain in Bollywood movies?"...

...I am going to show her this scene. And Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, obviously. 

My flatmate and I have a theory that is pretty much untested and amazingly unscientific, that in every movie Hrithik Roshan appears in there is a significant shot of his double-thumb. Yeah…it’s about as scientific and logical as my armpit hair obsession, I know.

Exhibit A.

Wake up to a nearly perfect film.

Wake Up Sid (Ayun Mukerji, 2009)

Sid Mehta (Ranbir Kapoor) is a lazy, spoiled brat, who doesn’t understand just how privileged he is. He is rude to his parents, ungrateful for the opportunities his father’s wealth (and indulgence) affords him, and is entirely self-absorbed, unaware that anyone else in the world has actual problems to deal with.
 

I do not understand people who do not like Ranbir Kapoor. He is the VERY DEFINITION of likeable.

He is also one of the most likeable, realistic and relatable characters I have seen in any film, ever. Sid is far from a horrible person (though it may sound like he is) – he’s just lost, sleepwalking through his life because he doesn’t know how to live in the world. He’s never had to be independent or take responsibility for himself. It is not until a chance meeting with Aisha (the lovely Konkona Sen Sharma), a driven, independent woman with goals and aspirations for her own life, and their resulting friendship, that Sid begins to ‘wake up’ and grow up.
 

Konkona Sen Sharma is the very definition of beautiful and talented. i would hate her if she didn't also seem amazingly down-to-earth (she confesses to KJo in the dvd extras that she's not really like Aisha at all...awesome). 

I really really loved this film – so much that after I finished watching it on dvd, I went back and watched it all over again. I think the thing I love about it the most is that, although yes, it is a film and naturally a certain amount of suspension of disbelief is required (Aisha can afford an apartment in Mumbai, AND supports Sid, before she even gets a job? Hmmm….) the relationships and the characters feel so realistic. Sid is so likeable and relatable, because I KNOW the real-life version of him – hell, I have been Sid (and if I’m honest, I probably still embody Sid more than I do Aisha). Konkona Sen Sharma is not only breathtakingly beautiful (I would take Koko over Deepika or Priyanka any day of the week) but is utterly believable as Aisha, the ambitious writer from Calcutta who is the exact opposite of Sid. I love the relationship between her and Sid – that she is responsible not for forcing his transformation by being a bossy interfering woman, but for inspiring it through setting an example for Sid as a role model. The way Sid interacts with Aisha, and his friends Rishi and Laxmi never feels forced or filmi – you feel like these characters have real history and real affection for each other. That’s obviously partly good acting, but I think it’s also down to the excellent script and direction from Ayun Mukerji, who has made an impressive debut with this film.

HIGHLIGHTS and RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

If you only like Bollywood movies for the dancing, then you’re out of luck on this one – unexpectedly rushing into production meant none of the songs were finished before filming started, and so in lieu of the usual lip-synched song picturisations, there are montages (much like you’d see in a Hollywood film). I think it works – it gives the film a mellow, almost indie tone, and the soundtrack (by Shankar-Ehsaan-Loy, with the exception of the gorgeous Iktara – I think Ranbir Kapoor mentions in the Making Of that Iktara was the work of a guest composer) is lovely and fitting, reminiscient of the Dan In Real Life soundtrack by Sondre Lerche in its coherence and vibe.
 

Nothing says 'young and carefree' like standing up in a moving vehicle during a MONTAGE! 10 extra wild and carefree points for having your eyes closed, Sid. Not a care in the world, not even dying horribly in a traffic accident because you don't have your seatbelt on.

Rahul Khanna should be in everything. EVERYTHING. I squealed with glee at his appearance in Love Aaj Kal but his role in Wake Up Sid is so much better (and yet he is still criminally under-utilised. He could be onscreen for two hours reading out the telephone book, and I would be happy. Film-makers, take note. I am pretty sure I am not the only one. There is a lot of Khanna-love in the blogosphere).
 

 I feel that just saying "Khanna-PYAAAAAAR" sums it up pretty well.

 

 Props to Aisha for a) getting the job and not just being a drooling mess in the interview, faced with The Hottest Khanna; and b) not getting fired immediately for sexual harrassment or failure to do anything other than stare at The Hottest Khanna. Aisha: a stronger, better woman than I could ever be. 

There are so many cute, real moments between Sid and Aisha but the one that makes me laugh the most is when Sid excitedly rushes to show her his first perfect fried egg, yolk unbroken, and she is obviously decidedly unimpressed (because it’s JUST an egg, Sid, are you actually retarded?) but is all like “Oh WOW!” anyway. Because that’s what friends do.
 

Heh, her expression says it all. 

A lot of Sid’s photos seem to be of his own feet. I can’t help but wonder at the deeper significance.
 

I never studied art history so...are feet a 'thing'? All I can think of is that Sid has to learn to stand on his own two feet but that's a bit...meh.

Apart from being a coming of age story, Wake Up Sid is also a definite love-letter to the city of Mumbai. I can’t find a single screenshot that definitively sums this up because it’s a thread that runs though the whole film, partly embodied in Sid’s love of the city, and wanting to share the best of it with Aisha; and Aisha’s discovery of herself there (you didn’t think Sid was the only person to learn anything in this film, did you?). But it looks BEAUTIFUL and I WANT TO LIVE THERE. In Aisha’s little apartment, with a roommate who looks like Ranbir Kapoor…

 

 Seriously, how beautiful does that place look? Who wants to give me a job and a flat in Mumbai?

Astoundingly Aw(ful)some

Kambakkht Ishq (Sabbir Khan, 2009)

 I had heard that this film was bad. But nothing, NOTHING I had read, or heard, or that anyone could have told me would ever have adequately prepared me for Kambakkht Ishq.

Unexpected bonus: filmic evidence that Akki had armpit hair in 2009. The obsession continues.

This film is literally THE WORST FILM I HAVE EVER SEEN. Words cannot adequately express just how truly, truly awful this film is. As an example of just about every single thing you can think of that would be an amazingly bad idea to put in a film, Kambakkht Ishq is a masterclass of badness.

Please note: K.I. is the kind of bad film you enjoy hating. It is fun to watch and laugh at its badness. As opposed to, ohhhh, something like Aaja Nachle, the horribleness of which will make you want to rip out your own eyes with boredom.

The film will now and forever be cited as my ultimate example of something that is so astoundingly, unbelievably, irredeemably and unforgivably awful that it crosses over the line of BAD and comes all the way back round into COMPELLINGLY AWESOME IN A TRAINWRECK KIND OF WAY.

Basically, Kambakkht Ishq is the extremely improbable story of a studly (and amazingly misogynistic) “Hollywood stuntman”, Viraj (Akshay Kumar...sigh, Akki, I still love you, but WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?), who doesn’t believe in love, only casual sex and random hookups. He meets Simrita, a.k.a surreally as Bebo (played by Kareena Kapoor, a.k.a Bebo...yeah, I don't know why they wanted to blur the lines of fact and fiction either), a supermodel turned surgeon (YES! REALLY!) who hates his guts on sight – but Viraj is such a dick, who wouldn’t? – and who does everything she can to convince her sister, Nim friend (?) (I don't know it doesn't really matter that much), who is married to Viraj’s brother, Lucky, that stuntmen have no IQs and pretty much that all men only want one thing: sex.

Bebo is the best thing about this film. That should set off alarm bells.

Obviously, Viraj and Simrita are DESTINED to be together, it just takes some botched surgery without anaesthetic,  Denise Richards, Sylvester Stallone, a supremely awesome song about being Bebo, plus crucially, the fact that Simrita accidentally drugs herself, thinks Viraj has raped her and then finds out that he chivalrously didn’t (even though Lucky “thought he should have”) to bring the ‘lovebirds’ together.

An unlikely saviour. John Rambo. Freakin' awesome.

I was nearly hysterical with laughter for nearly the entire 129 minute running time.  In fact, it took me a lot longer than that to watch the film, because just about every scene when a new and more awful development occurred onscreen, I would have to pause the DVD and run out to breathlessly tell my flatmate what new abomination had been committed. He thinks I am insane, because he could hear me screaming with maniacal laughter and muttering “OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD” to myself for the entirety of the film.

I really don’t know how else you could react to it. You certainly couldn’t take it seriously.

JUST SOME OF THE THINGS THAT MAKE KAMBAKKHT ISHQ TRULY AW(FUL)SOME

The blurb on the back of the DVD case proudly proclaims: “If there was ever a successful marriage between East and West, rom-com and action, Hollywood and Bollywood…Kambakkht Ishq is certainly it”. REALLY? If this was a legitimate attempt to target the Hollywood market, then who’s GENIUS idea was...

...blacking up. SERIOUSLY? At this point I started murmuring “Ohmygod, ohmygod” to myself in disbelief.

Plus, given the US is known for being a place with very strict controls and very little sense of humour regarding airport security – and understandably so – ever since September 11, 2001, was the throwaway “HIJACK!” joke (packed plane, Asian man screams HIJACK – everyone ducks for cover; white man enters frame and says “Hi!”, Asian man says “Hi, Jack!” BA DOOM BOOM CHHHHH!) in the best taste? Oh, oh oh.

I think the lowest point of the film is when someone farts in the bride’s face at her own wedding reception, in the midst of the (sigh) CREAM PIE FIGHT.

You need to see it to get the full glory of the comedy sound effects. COMEDY GOLD.

Don't you think with a face full of pie, the bride looks a bit like Preity Zinta?

Throughout the film the English subtitles tell a completely different story than the actual spoken English – as if hearing “Bitch” and reading “Witch” is gonna fool us into thinking that “Witch” is what was said. “You haven’t got the balls” becomes “You haven’t got the guts”; “Bastard” becomes “Scoundrel”, “Asshole” becomes “Rascal”. And so on...

Another “ohmygod” moment: Viraj gets searched for drugs. The subtitles: “I’m untouched there”. What Akki actually screams in his lovely husky voice: “No, please, I’m a virgin there”. For a 'comedy' scene it’s actually quite disturbing.

This scene was...painful...to watch.

*SPOILER WARNING* Simrita, the supermodel turned surgeon, has nails about 3 inches long, and does hardcore intestinal surgery on a man with no anaesthetic. IT COMES AS NO SURPRISE THEN that she is the kind of doctor that doesn’t bother to take off her BIG DANGLY WATCH, preferring to risk LEAVING IT INSIDE THE PATIENT. Here begins the narrative strand for the entire 2^nd half of the film. HOW TO GET THE WATCH BACK OUT. (I am not kidding. How could I make this up?)

DON'T CUT HIM! HE'S STILL AWAKE!

The hospital where Sim/Bebo works looks eerily like the one in Grey's Anatomy.

Viraj, on seeing that Bebo is about to perform surgery on him, gives it the crazy eyes and screams “She’s not a surgeon, she’s a model! I’m not here for a RAMP WALK! SHE CAN’T EVEN WAX PROPERLY!” Hahahahahah!

 "She can't even wax properly!"

He actually has some awesome lines. Like when he first kisses her (oh, yeah, the Akki/Bebo kisses make me cringe): “Love your strawberry lipstick, BABE”. HA! It’s all in the delivery.

MWA!

Same wood, different tree?

Bollywood Hollywood (Deepa Mehta, 2002).

I have to say upfront: I don’t really know what to make of this film. Deepa Mehta, of course, is best known for her deeply moving ‘Elements’ trilogy: Fire, Earth and Water, arthouse films dealing with gritty and grim social and historical issues.

Watching Bollywood Hollywood, written and directed by Deepa Mehta, you will be wondering if someone has made a mistake. Surely the same person who so poignantly depicted the plight of widows in Water, or who unflinchingly showed the horrifying brutality of Partition in Earth was not the same person apparently slumming it with an overly melodramatic rom-com?

It sure is. Go to imdb.com and read some of the horrified reviews of Hollywood critics viewing Bollywood Hollywood as a serious film – a misapprehension based, I guess on Mehta’s serious film-maker background and their failure to understand any of the Bollywood conventions in Bollywood Hollywood.

Now watch five minutes of it – the first five will do, featuring Rahul’s dying father spouting a series of sports metaphors  to Rahul as his last words, to get him to step up as the man of the house.  It’s very hard to take sayings like: “Remember, you hold the baseball bat of destiny. Whatever curveball life throws, always, always hit a homerun” very seriously. Because you’re NOT SUPPOSED TO. Just in case you ever forget the lessons Daddy-Ji imparted upon his son, his garlanded picture sometimes comes to life to remind Rahul (and us) from beyond the grave. It’s weird.

Please be doing what the title card tells you. 

In case there was any doubt that Bollywood Hollywood is intended to be a spoof: someone dies in a freak levitation accident, which ushers in the first song of the film, handily signaled for the Bollywood-uninitiated with a title-card reading “Life is so empty with no you”. These title cards will continue to appear throughout the film. There are the extreme caricature characters, that any Bollywood fan will recognize – most notably the handwringing, weeping mother.

 Her catchphrase? "I'm SO UNLUCKY". I wish she would have just wailed "NAHIIIIIN" a few times.

Oh yeah. The film also features an Indian pro-wrestler named Killer Khalsa. HE'S REAL! Look him up!

If the whole film was like that – that would be something. It would be a kind of mediocre, Bollywood version of Scary Movie or Not Another Teen Movie. Or I guess, Not Another Hindi Movie.  Starring Rahul Khanna, and I will always have a weakness for anything starring Rahul Khanna, even though so far, he hasn’t really made the best choices.

The best bit, Khanna fans? AKSHAYE HAS A SPECIAL APPEARANCE IN THIS FILM! Double the Khanna pyaar!

But instead there are 2 problems.

1. HOLLYWOOD. 

You can’t have Bollywood Hollywood without Hollywood, and don’t really know why Deepa Mehta wanted to combine the two at all. Unless it was to prove that you can’t. 

The Hollywood in the tale is where the movie seems to slow down and start taking itself seriously – the point were you start thinking “Wait a minute, I thought this was a spoof?” and yearning for the Bollywood part to kick in again, a song and dance:


to liven up the dreary nonstop angsty talking of the two main characters, who are in love but she might be a prostitute and he doesn’t know if he trusts her (it seems to be loosely based on Pretty Woman – again, how Bollywood).

  This comes directly after the cute Bollywood song "Rang Rang Mere" above. This bit is clearly HOLLYWOOD.

Trying to merge two styles doesn’t work, and just highlights how different the aesthetics are from each other. Bollywood and Hollywood audiences want and need different things from a film – and you can’t please them both. Maybe this is why Hollywood critics often miss the point completely when reviewing Bollywood films – because they are not reviewing for the intended audience, or using the appropriate set of criteria for a film? If this is a point Mehta was trying to make, then she made it, but I fail to see how spending millions of dollars aiming to make a film that no-one would like is a sane goal, so maybe this was accidental.  She uses the line “Same wood, different tree” to refer to Bollywood and Hollywood – and you can read into that to either support or counter my argument. I guess we will never know.

2. THE SNARKY SPOOF 

It was when Mehta had a character say: 

“I don’t like artsy fartsy movies. Well, what’s the point of focusing on incest, poverty, and all that stuff? Well what I do like are the movies that reflect our Indian culture and our magnificent Indian values”. 

that my snark radar went off.  Hmm, what could Deepa Mehta, known for her “artsy fartsy” movies, possibly be getting at? And from that point on (it’s the scene where Rahul is being forced to meet prospective brides) the spoof comedy in Bollywood Hollywood seemed a lot meaner than in the innocent, goofy opening few minutes, incorporating pointed barbs at the Bollywood industry and apparently the people who watch Bollywood films. Not so entertaining when it’s just mean.

Besides, Bollywood is perfectly capable of poking fun at itself, in an affectionate way, without resorting to sarcasm or nastiness. The very first Bollywood film I ever saw (and fell completely in love with) was Om Shanti Om –  Farah Khan obviously has a lot of love for the industry and old-school Bollywood, she knows the conventions and the stereotypes and how to poke fun at them with heart. The scene between Om and his overly filmi mother (when she tells him how she could have been a film star) is a perfect example – I knew nothing of Bollywood when I first watched it, but I still understood what they were doing, and laughed my ass off. Or try the spoof film trailers at the Filmfare awards - I still wish they would really make that Khiladi pic where Akki uses his crotch to fire the gun!

Woh Ladki Hai Kahan in Dil Chahta Hai is another example that springs instantly to mind – it’s gently self mocking and hilariously funny, allowing any Bollywood fan the glorious “AH!” of recognition without the sting of “You actually like this crap?” that seems to subtly underly all of Mehta’s wry digs.

When it comes down to it though, regardless of her intentions, Bollywood Hollywood fails on every level – be it as a spoof, a satire, a straight romantic comedy, a Bollywood film, or a Hollywood film. Had she picked one thing to do, maybe she could have done it well – but I think for Mehta, “artsy fartsy” is the way to go.

The weirdest film I have ever seen.

WAQT: The Race Against Time (Vipul Amrutlal Shah, 2005)

Okay, so I’m just gonna put this out there. YES, I cried at the end. YES, I do realize that as Aatif, one of the lovely boys from Gorafied so succinctly put it on Twitter: “Tears for WAQT? Really? Not doing your credibility any favours :-P”.

What you need to realize is this: I will cry at pretty much anything. If there is a HINT, the merest, tiniest hint of family tragedy, unrequited  or believed to be unrequited but eventually against all odds requited love, or even triumphing over adversity, I will pretty much be a wreck within minutes. As you can probably imagine, the cheesefest that is Extreme Makeover: Home Edition completely undoes me, especially when it’s about sick kids. And let’s not forget I cried at Heyy Babyy.

So yeah, I cried at WAQT. It was always going to happen, given it is the story of Ishwar, a father (played by Amitabh Bachchan) who spoils and shelters his son Adi (Akshay Kumar) who dreams of becoming a film actor but never really does anything about it, because his dad is always there to give him whatever he wants and needs in life. However, Ishwar is dying (DUN DUN DUN!) but won’t tell Adi about it – instead, he decides to go all tough love on him and cuts him off, hoping he will learn to stand on his own two feet before Ishwar runs out of time.

Bring. It. ON.

Anyway. There goes my cred. The fact I cried, OBVIOUSLY does not mean WAQT: The Race Against Time is a good film. In fact, there is so much wrong with it, I hardly know where to begin.

It’s a tremendously uneven film, from a confusing and clunky opening, to the way it veers wildly between comedy and high melodrama throughout, as if it were being made up on the fly by someone highly overemotional with a pressing deadline.  In fact, WAQT is based on a Gujarati play, but the whole thing, from start to finish, felt like one big, weirdly star-studded made-for-tv movie. 

Songs are clumsily wedged in at odd intervals, adding nothing coherent in terms of plot development in most cases (something even my mother, a longtime loather of musicals, has managed to accept that good Hindi films do well is integrating the songs with the plot to avoid the old musical cliché of ‘and now the action stops, it’s time for a song’). Don’t get me started on the weird matching of voice artist to actor – I don’t know who was matched to Akki in this movie, but HE SOUNDED LIKE A GIRL. And that is just wrong. Akshay Kumar is a manly man. A smoking hot manly man, who you should never gasp at in laughter from a seriously odd sounding singing voice. Udit Narayan and Sonu Nigam – my favorites because they often do SRK’s songs – were listed as singers for this film, but I’m guessing Big B got the big guns and Akki got…what? A chipmunk?

The best integrated song, and OH HOW IT PAINS ME TO SAY THIS, was introduced something like this: Adi is in his crappy house talking to his wife Pooja (Priyanka Chopra).

Adi: We could go on a 2^nd honeymoon. To Morocco.

Cue: song in Morocco. NOT EVEN A RECOGNISABLE MOROCCO – it looked like any old dusty rocky desert.

Who doesn't want to spend their honeymoon rocking out?

Song ends. Adi and Pooja are back in the house. Adi is singing the song to himself and Pooja snaps him out of his daydream.

REALLY? IT WAS LIKE A DREAM SEQUENCE? You dream of dusty rocks, Adi? And yet this:

I call it "Creepy Desert Dreamscape"

at the start of the film, is an unexplained location, and apparently totally real and not imaginary. WAQT is WHACKED, y’all.

The most annoying thing about my dvd copy of the film, (the first film produced by Eros Entertainment) was the scrolling banner that popped up constantly at the top of the screen every time there was a song, offering it to me as a ringtone if I txted a certain number, 

Thanks Eros. I've never heard of  WAITING UNTIL A FILM IS FINISHED TO WORRY ABOUT MY RINGTONE.

and popping up at random intervals during the film pointing me towards Ero’s website. 

 Yes Akki. That's how I feel too.

IF I WASN’T ALREADY BOYCOTTING EROS I WOULD BE NOW. Not a great marketing move, Eros, making the most possible distractions EVER when people are TRYING TO WATCH A FILM.

But it wasn’t all bad. I don’t want to be too mean to this film because there is also a lot of good. There is entertainment to be found, both intentional, and I fear, unintentional.

1. Boman Irani. The more I see this guy, from film to film, the more I appreciate what a great actor he is. He has SUCH fantastic chemistry with Big B and Rajpal Yadav that every time he was onscreen (after the clunky beginning, where the attempts to establish his character as comic relief were a bit murky) I was laughing out loud, for the RIGHT reasons.

2. Akki and Priyanka. If you follow the Bollywood gossip, you will know that ALLEGEDLY, Akki has been ordered by his wife Twinkle to stay away from Priyanka following a rumoured affair between the two of them a while back. (If you don’t follow the Bollywood gossip – WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? Bollywood gossip is awesomely juicy, and may I suggest visiting Filmi Girl’s site – she has her finger on the pulse of ALL THINGS Bollywood!). Anyway, seeing Akki and Priyanka play husband and wife, you can pick up perhaps why Twinkle would be concerned – even if the rumoured affair was just a rumour. The chemistry between them is undeniable, especially in Let’s Play Holi. 

Also: um, what’s going on with Priyanka's nose? Another thing I found epically distracting.

It just looks...somehow different to how it does now? 

3. Adi’s audition dance. UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY. Yes, Akki can dance, but it doesn’t always mean he SHOULD. He hits every awesome interpretive dance move that I don’t understand: stay still like a statue for uncomfortably long;

pretend to hold something precious in your hands; 

roll around on the floor;

dive and beg. 

This dance is going to cheer me up from  bad moods for YEARS to come, as the very definition of crazy dancing.

4. The ARMPIT HAIR CONTROVERSY CONTINUES!

What do you mean, continues? I hear you asking. Well. I can’t really explain it without sounding entirely like a freakshow but…um…for a little while there I was a tiny bit obsessed with the disappearing and reappearing armpit hair of the leading men of Bollywood. Specifically Hrithik Roshan’s armpit hair, (or sometimes lack thereof) until I noticed it seemed to be a trend, this armpit hair disappearance (coinciding with the trend for chest waxing). Then I got over it, because obsessing over armpit hair is creepy.  Awesomely, when I least expected it, WAQT offered me a shining bright beacon to keep my creepy interest alive. LOOK! THERE IT IS!

Yes I am creepy and weird but LOOK! You can see it peeking out. THE OBSESSION LIVES ON.